There is no "me" in Mommy

Nor in Mom. But there is one in Mother if you look hard enough. And it takes a little work. Some people are pretty successful at finding the "me" in Mother. Some aren't.

**If you are here for the award scroll down to yesterday's post (I know, 2 posts in 2 days is so unlike me!)

**digression here: my son insists that my name is "mommy," not "mom," not "mother," it's "mommy." He will correct people in the store. "No she's not my mom, she's my mommy."
He asked me what I was going to be for Halloween, I told him I was going to be a "mom." The day after Halloween he asked if I was "mommy" again since he was no longer an Astronaut, or whether I was still wearing my "mom" costume. Cute kid.



Anyway, back to the point. Anymommy had this post yesterday that really made me think (OK, she usually comes up with thought provoking posts, so that part is nothing new). She was talking about the fact that she doesn't cook. And she doesn't do scrapbooking, or crafty homemade stuff either and she's fine with that. She realizes, that as a mother of 4 small children, you simply can't do everything. Even if you're a stay at home mom who doesn't work outside the home. And she is so right on about that. Some mothers will think those kinds of things are expected from them, especially if they are a stay at home mom ('cause those mom's have all the time in the world don't they?). But it is one of the most unrealistic expectations.

My mom was one of those moms who had to do it all. We never had a store bought cake for our birthdays. Each of us had a specially baked (probably even from scratch!) and extraordinarily decorated cake. Whatever we were into at the moment was reflected on our birthday cakes. I wish I had some of those pictures! She made cookie monster, big bird, trains, care bears...you name it. She was such an artist. She sent us with home baked goods to share with our classes for our birthdays or for holiday parties. In my Halloween post I talked about how every year we had homemade costumes. She also sewed costumes for school plays and concerts.

She was in PTA, she was a homeroom mom for at least a couple of us at a time (there were 5 of us!). She was a den mother, cub scout leader, brownie/girl scout leader, soccer/softball coach... the list goes on. We were involved in absolutely everything and she was usually in charge of it.

Sounds perfect doesn't it? She knocked herself out. She stayed up late at night doing things, sometimes she was up all night finishing whatever her latest project was. There was always too much on her agenda. She never said "no" to anything. She aimed to please. And it was all for us kids. Or was it? Seems pretty selfless. She never did anything just for herself. She rarely even bought herself new clothes.

Once, when I was in high school and messing up royally (staying up late and not making it to school in the mornings), my step-father gave me this huge lecture on how much my mom had done for us kids and how much she sacrificed for us.

And I bought into it. Until many years later when, as an adult, I witnessed my sister being that mom with her children. I say with instead of for, because it's really not for the kids. Mothers may kid themselves into believing that, but it's false. My sister followed in the footsteps of my mother to a "t." She is involved in everything at the school. Her kids are involved in everything at the school. She is so busy doing everything that who gets left out? Yep, the kids. Who's losing out on this one? The kids.

When she's not busy planning and organizing for something at school or all of those athletic activities or brownies/girl scouts/boy scouts, she's busy gossiping with other mothers. Whenever I talk to her it's all about other families, the kids' friends etc... it's like her kids have taken a backseat to all the other things they are involved in and the families that are involved along with them.

I have never seen her just spend time with her kids. They never relax. They are always doing something. The time she spends with her children is when they are playing a soccer or softball game, when they are in brownies/girl scouts, when they are doing some school activity.

I can sit back and judge because I'm not that mom ;) and it's so much easier to judge someone else now isn't it? Honestly, I don't feel bad judging my sister like this. I know that she and my mother judge me for not letting my daughter do everything that she wants. They judge me for the type of parent I am all the time. Because I am not them. I'm not their type of ultra-involved do everything homemade mom.

I'm not saying that involvement is bad. As a matter of fact, I wish I could be more involved at the school. But really it's because I need a social life ;) No, seriously, I think some parental involvement is good. But too much is the opposite of good.

I limit my school age daughter to one extracurricular activity a school year. One year she played soccer, the next year she played softball, this year she wants to try basketball. I will do the same with all my children when they get to school. Children need down time. Why pressure them to be busy all the time? Maybe I just value relaxing too much ;) But why teach them to spread themselves too thin right from the start?

If my child doesn't have a homemade birthday cake on their birthday, I feel guilty, but then realize that I just can't do everything, and in the end it won't make that much of a difference. I really wanted to make their Halloween costumes this year, but in the end I realized that it would mean spending a couple of days working on their costumes instead of spending any time with them. And really, the $10 costumes we got them were so much more cost effective (my sister spent $50 on the materials for ONE of her kids' costumes).

I do what I can and try not to sweat the stuff I can't and pray that they will turn out the better for it ;)

Flying By the Seat of my Pants

It's been a while since I have done Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop... I've been checking her prompts every week, but then not having the energy to write anything that would fit. This week #4 really struck me. I've been thinking about "How Motherhood Has Changed [Me]" since I became a mother.

I'd be lying if I didn't say it has changed me to the very core of my being.

I don't know what most women expect going into motherhood, but I'm guessing most believe what I did about becoming a mother: my life will continue exactly as it is now, but there will be the addition of a baby. I'll do the same things, be the same person, except I'll be changing a few diapers. And I'll have this wonderful bundle of joy and sunshine that I will carry around with me while I do all the stuff I normally do, and everyone will comment on how adorable and well behaved she is and pinch her cheeks. And I will be so overwhelmed with joy once my dream of motherhood has been fulfilled.

I started my journey towards motherhood with small steps. I first became a step-mother every other weekend and on holidays. Minimal changes. Pretty much led the same life I did without children, so hello motherhood, this isn't so bad. And I had a child for all the important and festive holidays. It was perfect.

Our next step was adoption. We adopted our 6 year old niece. I was so completely thrilled. I could jump right in and be that PTA super involved Mom. She was at that age where we could do all sorts of fun things together like crafts, baking cookies and playing games. We started out spending time with her while she was in foster care. We would have her every other weekend and on holidays. As soon as we finished with all the classes and preliminary paperwork we got to have her move in until the adoption was finalized. By that time I was about 6mos pregnant with our first baby. It was also the end of the school year, so I wasn't able to get as involved as I would have liked.

Having my first baby hit me like a ton of bricks. He ended up having colic, so basically he spent hours upon hours a day having screaming fits. I spent pretty much his first 8mos of life holding him and trying to keep him from screaming his head off all the time. We couldn't go anywhere, if we did he would scream the entire time we were in the car and wherever it was we were going.

It was then that I really understood the full scope of motherhood. Once you become a mother, you are a mother 24/7. It's so much more than a job. You don't get any breaks, and there is no quitting time. You are on the job all day and all night. I had never imagined myself a stay-at-home mother, but circumstances led to that being the only logical choice. I was, and still am happy with that choice. I wouldn't have it any other way. Motherhood is an enormous responsibility, and I wouldn't trust anyone else with the care of my precious children.

I never imagined how much of myself and what I did to be me I would choose to put aside when I became a mother. I didn't expect that motherhood would change me all that much.

But now I look at myself, my life and the mother I have become, and realize that I have pretty much completely lost touch with the person I used to be. At the moment I'm not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I am leaning towards the good, and trying to see the positive changes in myself that have occurred.

I used to be somewhat irresponsible and a little self-absorbed (internally speaking that is). Motherhood forces you to become a responsible person, or at least it should. It is no longer just your life that concerns you, there are the lives of your children that are of the utmost importance. And you really can't be too self-absorbed. You can't get hung up on yourself when you have to spend most of your time caring for others. So in that way motherhood has forced me to become a better person.

I am realizing now what a large and involved topic this is, and how little time I have to really do it justice... especially since at the moment, while I am trying really hard to use what little brain I have left to compose something articulate and worthwhile, I have a 4 year old who just will not leave me alone and has been nonstop talking and demanding the entire time I've been sitting here drafting... and a colicky infant who decided that now would be the best time to start a full blown screaming fit.

So I will continue on this topic in some future posts...