Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Friends, who needs them?

I do.

I like to pretend like I don't. But honestly, I think everyone needs at least a couple of friends.

Sure I have tons of friends on facebook. Friends from high school, family friends, friends from my party days ;) And I interact with them there. But that's just not the same.

There are sometimes when I go a whole week without interacting with anyone, without seeing anyone, without leaving the house.

I used to imagine myself a hermit, writing, living in a cabin in the woods. Now I know I would never make it on my own like that. It's downright hard even with a houseful of kids.

I used to claim to be anti-social. But now I know I'm really not. I need social activity. I need to be able to socialize if I so desire. Even if I just knew there were people around I could socialize with if I wanted to, that would make things better. I could feel better.

Sadly, in the past six years that I've lived in this isolated remote area I've had about one friend. One person who called me to chat. One person out there that I felt actually cared about me and wanted to hear from me. She didn't live anywhere near me, but still - it counted.
Unfortunately I discovered too late that this person wasn't a friend at all. Probably never was. She was someone I met through an online forum/community. I was naive. I think I always have been, especially when it comes to people. I always choose to believe in the good and have faith in humanity and believe that people will do what is right and moral and ethical. But that's not always the case.

It's amazing how quickly you find out who your real friends are.

It's kind of funny, but the last two "groups" of friends I've had have met their demise in similar fashion. The friend I mentioned above was part of a "group" of friends I had that met in an online forum. We started a facebook group just for ourselves where we could chat with each other. Unfortunately after a month or so someone made a joking comment that offended another one of them. Feelings were hurt, people chose sides. The one friend I mentioned above was the one who was offended by another's comment - she had been calling me and talking since we had started the group and shared phone numbers. I read through the comments and decided they were both being overly sensitive and I chose NOT to chose sides and I told the lady who was calling me that I would not chose sides. I never contacted the other lady to tell her that I wasn't taking sides, so unfortunately she probably assumed that I had taken the other side, but that wasn't the case - we just had never called and talked to each other (I am not one for making phone calls). From that point on my "friend" would only call me to complain about the other...those were the only time she initiated contact with me. She wanted to find out if I was talking to her and what she was saying, etc...the rest of the group had sided with the other lady.
That was pretty much the beginning of the end of our friendship. I continued to talk to her when she called me, but things got out of hand on the forum and when I really needed a friend she made it clear where she stood. And that was NOT as my friend. That was a really low blow.

The other group of friends I had was back in college. Ten years ago now! This group of friends similarly imploded between two of the girls I was friends with and I pretty much chose one side. Regardless, the group of friends was disbanded...

But these were the last two times I'd had friends in my life. And sometimes friends aren't worth all the drama that comes along with having them. But I do miss them. Well, I miss having friends. Sometimes ;)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Craziness ;)

All about the crazy and chaotic here.

So let's see. Ah yes, added another baby boy to the mix ;) Like 6 months ago now!! LOL!!

My littlest guy was born in mid April weighing 6lbs 11oz. Or somewhere around there. They weighed him in at 7lbs 11oz, which was way off as after 24 hours he weighed 6lbs 9oz. So it was either a written error or weighing error. I did notice that when they zero'd out the scale the nurse had also picked up all the blankets with him, so my guess is that the blankets weighed around a pound or so. 6lbs 11oz is good by me - then all 3 of my boys' weights are 6/13, 6/12 and 6/11.

I ended up having gestational diabetes again, which I figured I would. It was tougher this time around and the things that worked to keep my blood sugars under control last time didn't work this time. I ended up on insulin. But this time I had a wonderful diabetic nutritionist who worked very closely with me and was super helpful! I ended up losing weight at the end trying to keep my bs down...and thankfully was blessed with a healthy baby :)

Things got really crazy during this last pregnancy. Starting at my 20 week ultrasound. They discovered that baby had a 2 vessel cord, which meant more monitoring. Then around 25/26 weeks or so I started having issues with low fluid levels. We did weekly monitoring for the gd and fluid levels...there were also about 3-4 times during those weekly monitoring sessions that they ended up keeping me for further monitoring and discussing having to have baby early... Needless to say I was on pins and needles for the last half of my pregnancy.

In the end everything worked out! I ended up having a C-section because of a previous level 4 tear, and that ended up to be a great thing because baby was butt down! I also ended up having a tubal. And I'm quite glad for that as the c/s recovery was awful and I never want to go through that again!!

New baby is the biggest fattest one of all :) He's growing by leaps and bounds :)

I'm adjusting.

I neglected this blog because I found a new obsession: cloth diapering. And a wonderful forum where I could interact with other ladies with similar interests. But I have thrown that addiction to the way side (the forum that is) maybe I will have more time for here :)

My biggest issue right now is isolation. I live in a town with a population of under 100 in a rural area. We've been here for almost 6 years now. It's lonely. It's hard. I have no family or friends around here. I have no support. And unsympathetic husband. And...yeah, I'm suffering from a serious bout of depression. I need to make some major changes in my life, but I don't even know where to start and how drastic. I feel like I really need to move elsewhere - at least into a town where I can get out and go for a walk with the kids or something. But I just don't see that happening anytime soon.

My other big issue is "me time"
I used to complain that I didn't have time to do anything. With 4 little ones now, I *really* don't have much time for myself at all. And again with the unsympathetic dh. The way he sees it is that I'll have time for myself when the kids are older. Until then...well I guess I shouldn't need time to shower, brush my teeth, think...

Oh well. I ramble.

So that's a little update on me.
Related Posts with Thumbnails