Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Friends, who needs them?

I do.

I like to pretend like I don't. But honestly, I think everyone needs at least a couple of friends.

Sure I have tons of friends on facebook. Friends from high school, family friends, friends from my party days ;) And I interact with them there. But that's just not the same.

There are sometimes when I go a whole week without interacting with anyone, without seeing anyone, without leaving the house.

I used to imagine myself a hermit, writing, living in a cabin in the woods. Now I know I would never make it on my own like that. It's downright hard even with a houseful of kids.

I used to claim to be anti-social. But now I know I'm really not. I need social activity. I need to be able to socialize if I so desire. Even if I just knew there were people around I could socialize with if I wanted to, that would make things better. I could feel better.

Sadly, in the past six years that I've lived in this isolated remote area I've had about one friend. One person who called me to chat. One person out there that I felt actually cared about me and wanted to hear from me. She didn't live anywhere near me, but still - it counted.
Unfortunately I discovered too late that this person wasn't a friend at all. Probably never was. She was someone I met through an online forum/community. I was naive. I think I always have been, especially when it comes to people. I always choose to believe in the good and have faith in humanity and believe that people will do what is right and moral and ethical. But that's not always the case.

It's amazing how quickly you find out who your real friends are.

It's kind of funny, but the last two "groups" of friends I've had have met their demise in similar fashion. The friend I mentioned above was part of a "group" of friends I had that met in an online forum. We started a facebook group just for ourselves where we could chat with each other. Unfortunately after a month or so someone made a joking comment that offended another one of them. Feelings were hurt, people chose sides. The one friend I mentioned above was the one who was offended by another's comment - she had been calling me and talking since we had started the group and shared phone numbers. I read through the comments and decided they were both being overly sensitive and I chose NOT to chose sides and I told the lady who was calling me that I would not chose sides. I never contacted the other lady to tell her that I wasn't taking sides, so unfortunately she probably assumed that I had taken the other side, but that wasn't the case - we just had never called and talked to each other (I am not one for making phone calls). From that point on my "friend" would only call me to complain about the other...those were the only time she initiated contact with me. She wanted to find out if I was talking to her and what she was saying, etc...the rest of the group had sided with the other lady.
That was pretty much the beginning of the end of our friendship. I continued to talk to her when she called me, but things got out of hand on the forum and when I really needed a friend she made it clear where she stood. And that was NOT as my friend. That was a really low blow.

The other group of friends I had was back in college. Ten years ago now! This group of friends similarly imploded between two of the girls I was friends with and I pretty much chose one side. Regardless, the group of friends was disbanded...

But these were the last two times I'd had friends in my life. And sometimes friends aren't worth all the drama that comes along with having them. But I do miss them. Well, I miss having friends. Sometimes ;)

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