Addicted to Babies

I have a problem. Yep, you guessed it. Oh, the title gave it away? I have a complete and total addiction to wanting to have babies.

Lazy Baby got the label of my last baby. And I really meant it. For many reasons.

~~I just turned 40!! I know, people are having babies later in life, but seriously, I will be 60!! when Lazy Baby is 20!! My husband will be one year from retiring. He thought 40 was old to be having a baby (he turned 40 one month before our first Little Man was born).

~~I will most likely have gestational diabetes again. From the start. And that totally sucked!! That alone should be enough to make me be done!

~~My hands are overly full these days. Truth be told, I was overwhelmed with 2 little ones. And now here I am overly overwhelmed with 3. It wouldn't be so bad if I had friends or family or lived in an actual city with actual neighbors. And if I didn't have to drive at least 25 miles to get diapers and milk.

But in theory I would love to have another. I always wanted lots of kids. Of course the reality is: no way should I even be seriously considering having another. Really, I would be too embarrassed to even tell anyone if I was pregnant again. Everyone thought I was a tad on the crazy side last time. There would be no question in their minds if I did this whole thing one more time.

I was 2 days late this month (ordinarily it wouldn't be a big deal, but I had been starting 3 and 4 days early). I had 2 whole days to sit around and worry and think about it. I was terrified. But the thing was that when I finally started I was both relieved and disappointed. I was really taken aback by the whole disappointment thing. What the hell is my brain and body up to?? ;) I mean really, disappointed?? Hello ovaries, I know that you are so glad to finally be able to work and all...but lets not overdo it here.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to get pregnant. I started wanting babies when I was somewhere between 18-20. I started seriously trying to get pregnant around the age of 23. I guess a habit like that doesn't just die easy. It was more than a habit. It was a way of life. It was the guiding force in my life for all those years I was unable to conceive.

And now? I don't know how to quit. I don't know how to let my brain and body know that I'm done having babies. I'm done trying to get pregnant.

But the other day I was going through some baby clothes. Putting away the ones Lazy Baby has outgrown, going through Little Man's baby clothes, and going back through Baby Girl's clothes to pull out the unisex and Christmas stuff... It seems like such a waste. I had so many baby girl clothes. So many cute things. I found a few things that still had tags on them. I found some adorable outfits that she only wore once or twice. I found stuff I never put on her. For a few minutes I thought it would be nice to have another girl. And really, my OCD is all about evenness. In a way things are all even at home now, we have 2 girls and 2 boys full time. When step-tweenie comes it's uneven because we have 3 girls and 2 boys. So if anything we are short a boy sometimes. But on the other hand: I've given birth to an uneven number. 2 boys and 1 girl. Oh well. Some things are just meant to be uneven. And I'll just have to get over it. Because there is just no way I could possibly handle another. I have to recognize my limits and stick to them.

But the reality is: no matter how crazy and hectic my days are, no matter how much I complain, no matter how little time I have for myself, at the end of the day, when I kiss my little ones good night and crawl into bed with Lazy Baby to nurse him to sleep I feel blessed. I feel like I could do it a million times over. There just aren't words enough to convey the beauty and joy and wonder and amazement. There are so many moments in each day that I just look at one of my children and feel overwhelmed with emotional bliss. Is it any wonder I'm addicted?

OK now I know pregnant brain lasts while nursing.

A long road...The Beginning.

I travelled a long and hard road to becoming a mommy. I really started desiring this role for myself around the age of 18. So young. And really, I'm glad I never got pregnant so young - I don't think I would have been mature enough to handle it. When I got married at 22, I was desperate to have a baby. We started trying immediately. After 3 years of trying unsuccessfully, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The Dr I saw was hopeful. She put me on the pill for a year and said after that, I should be able to get pregnant. We tried for 6 more heartbreaking years - and no baby. We got divorced and I went to a Dr because I'd heard of some new treatments for PCOS. I wanted to get reproductively healthy should I find someone else... That Dr was flabbergasted that I had been diagnosed with PCOS, as I didn't fit the profile. Blood tests concluded that I did not have PCOS... So all that time, most likely I didn't have a problem, other than not being able to get pregnant. And of course my X wasn't as into trying to have a baby as I was, so he refused to go to a Dr... By the time I had met and married my current husband I had pretty much given up on getting pregnant. Although it was still lingering in the back of my mind.


I was totally surprised when a mere 2 mos after we gave up the birth control I got pregnant.


It's just amazing how things never go quite as planned, or at least not the way you imagine them. Especially with your first baby. No matter what anyone tells you, you just really have no clue about the whole labor thing and how much it really hurts. You see all these women screaming their heads off in the movies, but you think Well, I have a high tolerance for pain... haha!! And you go into the labor process all idealistic with all these romantic notions of how it's going to go.


My sister in law had hers all planned out (with our first babies she was due 2mos after us). She had everything completely planned out... she would get the shot when she was 3cm and get the epidural when she was 5... and it would all go smoothly. She ended up not progressing and having an emergency C section.



With my first one, everyone had convinced me that I was going to go early. So I was pretty much counting on that. And the Dr had estimated the baby to weigh around 8lbs if I carried to term. I got hung up on that and the fact that I had bought a bunch of newborn clothes that only went up to 8lbs! I thought I HAD to have that baby early!! Towards the end of that pregnancy my blood pressure shot up. The Dr sent me in for an ultrasound, and found that my fluid level was pretty low. At my last Dr's appointment before my due date my blood pressure was still up there so I went in that night for a prostiglandin gel insert, which was supposed to help the progress. If I didn't go into labor that night I was to go in the next morning. Of course the next morning the prostiglandin insert had done nothing and I was given the choice of either going home and waiting to go into labor on my own or being induced. I was bound and determined to have that baby so I chose to be induced. (Later I was assured by several Dr's that I had made the right decision with the blood pressure issue and the fluid level). But afterwards, when I heard from other people that when you are induced it is a much harder labor, I swore that I would never be induced again.


My first labor was 23 hours of living hell ;) Most of it was spent in hard labor. There were several complications. My blood pressure went way up, the baby monitor (the kind they stick to the baby's head) was malfunctioning, which scared the crap out of us for a little while. They had me getting into all these crazy positions and every time I would have a contraction we would lose the baby's heartbeat. But once they got the monitor on good everything was fine with the baby. But by that point I was begging for a c-section under the pretense of the issues with baby, but it was also due to the unbearable pain. I had the shot probably early on, and after a short while it had completely worn off. I sat in a warm bath, sat on the ball, and did all sorts of things to try to make things more bearable, but of course there is pretty much nothing that really helps much. I had been completely unprepared for how much it would really hurt. And I probably did one of the worst things - I tried to control that pain. If I would have been able to relax I'm sure that things probably would have progressed faster, but instead I fought it with everything I had.


I begged for the epidural when I was probably 4 or 5cm dilated. My husband and I fought about it. His first wife got an epidural with their baby and it slowed down the labor and she ended up in emergency C-section, so my husband was completely against my getting one. So under much duress I decided against it.


The next complication was when they couldn't get any urine out with a catheter. I think I was dangerously close to having my bladder burst. They kept putting the catheter in and taking it out... that was pretty awful...


Then came the biggest complication. A lip of my cervix was not dilating all the way. My Dr called in a bunch of other Dr's to check it out and see what they thought. This went on for at least a couple of hours if not more. That's when my Dr recommended an epidural. And luckily my husband agreed. They decided to go ahead and push that lip of my cervix over the baby's head. Thank God I had the epidural for that. (The same thing happened with Lazy Baby - luckily my Dr (different one) decided to just push that lip over right away, but this time I had no meds. Let me just say it was some wicked pain.)


Unfortunately the epidural slowed down my contractions too much and they had to give me some pitocin... and by that point I was pretty done and the epidural had already worn off - regardless I pushed for almost 2 hours before I said I just couldn't anymore.


That was when they tried the forceps. Oh my holy hell, I think that was the worst pain I have ever experienced. It was awful to say the least. The worst thing was that they couldn't seem to get a good grip and tried two or three times!

By this time there were at least 20 Doctors, interns, nurses etc...in the room. It was at a big University (teaching) hospital. It was the home of one of the big 10 football teams and this was all happening on the brink of the season opener game! So all the Dr's and nurses had to leave at different points to go move their cars. The stadium was right across the street from the hospital.

The forceps weren't working, so they tried the vacuum, which after a couple of tries worked and my first baby boy was finally out!

The best thing about labor is the relief you feel when it is finally over and your baby is there :)

It's really one of the most emotional and physical things that a woman goes through. At the end of it I was flooded with emotions. In a way I felt humiliated and felt like I didn't handle it very well. It was not at all what I expected.

But on the other hand, there was my beautiful baby. I had romanticized and idealised that moment forever. The one thing I never expected was that it would be so much better than I had imagined. I was so completely and totally in love with him from the moment saw him and held him in my arms. I wasn't prepared for how taken I would be with him.

Over the past 4 years I have found myself in moments looking at him, reminded of that moment, and still am completely taken with him. I couldn't have imagined anything better than what he was and still is. He's mine, and he's beautiful. He's one of my life's most miraculous accomplishments.

Little Man turned 4 yesterday!! It's hard to believe that 4 years have passed. It seems like just yesterday he was my little baby boy.

Double Grrrr.

Nope. No baby appearance here yet. Can you believe it?? 1 day until my due date. Holy hell I'm miserable! It's been so dang hot and humid here. It's damn near impossible to walk at this point.... but of course everyone says to walk around... really, it's impossible to walk, stand, sit, lay down or anything for longer than a few minutes at a time. Ugh. ;)

I've had my membranes stripped 3 times now! (that's what it took last time too!). At my appointment yesterday I was 3cm dilated (up from 2 at the previous appointment - which was no change from the one before that)...so a little bit of progress there. Been having stronger braxton hicks ever since the appointment. And they are so faking me out ;) grrr.

But the good news is that if baby doesn't come this weekend the dr is going to break my water on Monday! Hopefully. 'Cause I don't want to have anything to do with that pitocin (can't spell it) and 'cause otherwise I'm just going to go insane!! ;)

My step-daughter is here for a month. She came last week. Her and tweenie are the same age (12) for a few months... and they are awful together!!!! Day 2 I was at my limit and ready to fake labor for a break ;) It's completely unreal how two 12 year olds can act worse than a 1 1/2 and a 3 1/2 year old!!

Anyway... that's my update for the moment! Hopefully this little procrastinator (see he's like me already) decides to come on out this weekend!

Ugh :)

No baby yet. Getting fatter and anxious-er by the minute ;)

I have stubborn babies. Or I just have an extra comfy womb.

So let's see... false alarm #1 --- check (damn braxton hicks)

hemmoroids big enough to interfere with the birth --- check

water retention resulting in complete loss of ankles --- check

Wetting myself every time I get up or sit down --- check

So much pressure I think the little guy is just going to fall right out --- check

Everyone annoying the hell out of me --- check

Braxton Hicks from hell --- check

As much prostaglandin as I can handle as often as I can handle it --- check ;) (Of course hubby is always eager to comply with that one).

Am I missing anything??

The Mother of All Visits

So my mom's been here all week. Her journey here started out rough. A friend was going to come with her, but at the last minute called and said she forgot to turn in her time at work. So mom decided to just make the 7 hour trip on her own.

Her car broke down halfway here. So she ended up in a motel room for the night and having a tow truck tow her and the car to a town 25 miles away that was the closest place that could fix her car. She rented a car (it cost $400 and they conned her into their insurance!!) to bring her the rest of the way here... Found out that day that it was her engine... after she'd spent $1800 getting her car ready to come up here. I felt so awful!!! Then there was the issue of the rental car... that $400 was only for one week. She's here for 2 weeks. There's no way she could spend $800 renting a car that's just going to sit here... so she found out that she could get a partial refund if she took it back before it had been 5 days. But we couldn't really take her the 4 hours to return it - the closest place was 2 1/2 hours away. But with all the charges related to one way instead of 2 way she just broke even. Ugh. Felt awful once again.

One of my sisters told her that she should have just sent me $1000 and told me to hire a nanny. I thought that was kind of rude. Oh well.

Anyway, it's been nice and annoying having her around ;) I'm so pregnant pissy that every little thing is bothering me and I feel bad about it. But man, she's almost as bad as a child sometimes. Every time she uses the bathroom sink she completely floods it out - I mean water drips off the vanity - and I'm not exaggerating. Every time she uses the sink she gets the counter all wet. Last night I wiped it off after she'd rinsed some dishes and two minutes later she'd rinsed some more dishes and there was water all over the counter again.

Every time I leave the room she's fabreezing my couch and chair...

She's got a million ideas about how to re-do my house and re-organize everything.

She replaced my toilet paper with hers.

She clogged my bathroom sink.

Ugh. Those are just a few things that are driving me insane. But all told, I am glad to have her around to help out. I just hope I can survive the next week! ;)

Baby update: At my last dr's appointment I was actually 1cm dilated and 50% effaced! ;) Next week my Dr is going to strip my membranes to try to get me to go early. She doesn't want the baby to get too big because of the gestational diabetes and because last time I had level 4 "tear" (which was really her idea of an epesiotomy [which I can't spell!]) Anyway, she wants this baby to be smaller than baby girl so I don't tear so bad again...

I also lost my mucus plug this morning! Of course I lost it way early with both of my previous pregnancies, and I was dilated early with them too... so I'm not expecting any miracles in that way... I also had my membranes stripped 3 times with baby girl!

I am just hoping that the baby will come while my mom is here. Otherwise she won't get to see him for a couple of months.

Well, I will keep you all posted as much as I can ;)

Sugary Sweet Good News

Not.

This baby has a serious sweet tooth. So guess what I get to do? Go sit in the Dr's office for 3 hours doing the glucose tolerance test. Can you tell how excited I am??

Grrrrr

I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I have been bad. Very, very bad.

One thing a pregnant woman has very little control over (aside from her bladder!) is her appetite ;) My willpower is completely weak when it comes to food. Especially sweets with this pregnancy.

The funny thing is that a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to get some healthy snacks for during the day. It seemed that I was snacking on cookies and anything else sweet I could get my hands on. I picked up some carrots and celery. And I've been doing better during the day. But its those middle of the nigh potty breaks... I wake up having to pee and starving. So I've been eating M&M's, cookies, Kit Kats, Easter candy... at midnight, 1:30am, 3am, 4:30am...

Any suggestions for healthy middle of the night snacks that wont wake up the house? That's the thing, those sweets are so easy to grab without any commotion. If I made some toast or something I would certainly wake my husband up...

What really sucks about this whole sweet tooth thing is that years ago I weighed almost 200 lbs! I had a natural sweet tooth back then. I gained the most weight while I was in college. It was so easy to eat a bag of tootsie rolls and oreos while studying... But then my first marriage ended up falling apart the week before finals during my first year of my MA program... As soon as school ended I decided that I needed to concentrate on myself and start eating healthy. I did a great job! I basically cut out as much sugar as humanly possible (its amazing what foods have added sugar!). I started eating tons of dairy: yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, etc... and the pounds just flew off. Seriously, I was losing about 10 lbs every week or two. By just cutting out the sugar, I lost 70lbs within a few short months. I was down to a size 5 for the first time in my life. I was wearing a size 12 in Jr. High...

Then I got pregnant for the first time. I had a little sweet tooth that time (nothing compared to this time!). I limited myself as best I could though. I still had that habit of avoiding sugar. I ended up gaining about 60lbs with that pregnancy! And then really only lost about 30lbs by the time I got pregnant with baby girl. Luckily, I didn't gain much weight with her and just a few weeks after her birth I was back to where I was before I got pregnant with her.

So this time? I've been gaining lots of weight and eating tons of sugar!!! So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I didn't pass the 1 hour glucose test... If I would have been smarter, I would have eased back on the sugar the week before the test. But just try to tell a pregnant lady that she can't have those cookies! ;)

I just really hope that I don't have gestational diabetes! Since I got the call from the Dr's office, I went out and got diet pop and have only slipped up once... last night one of the times I got up to pee I just couldn't help myself. I was starving!! And I didn't eat as much candy as I usually do... I only grabbed 2 mini Kit-Kats instead of my usual 3...

So in I go tomorrow to sit and have blood drawn for 3 hours!! Yuck! The awful thing is that I have to fast for 8 hours prior, and then can't eat anything until the test is over!! If I don't eat by 8:30, 9am at the very latest I get all vomity. Its going to be a rough morning.

Tinkle Tinkle

Years ago when I was working on my BA, I did a field school. I won't go into details about that - but the wife of one of the instructors was doing the cooking and such, so she was there with her two youngest children. They had a trampoline in back and her daughter was always trying to get all of us students to jump on it with her. Someone suggested that the wife go jump with her daughter... her response was "I can't possibly do that - I've had 3 kids and I would end up wetting myself."

Of course at the time I thought it was a complete cop out.

Now? I would have to agree and empathize. I'm 27 weeks along with my 3rd, and every time I cough, sneeze, bend over, or exert myself in anyway-- sure enough a little tinkle...

Seriously, last night I guess I was trying a little too hard to fart and totally started wetting myself! I know, TMI!!! I had to run to the bathroom. Thank God I was at home! Of course I do not hang out trying to fart in public or anything. Though, certainly, if I have to fart and am in public, I try to do so as discretely as possible. (Which is a lot easier when you are shopping with a bunch of kids!) I learned that from my first pregnancy. When you are pregnant and try to hold it in, its just not good at all. It ends up building up until you are completely miserable and have to take drastic measures. Seriously, at one point in my first pregnancy, I had my husband timing my gas pains! ;)

Anyway, back to the bladder issue.... So when that lady said that she couldn't jump on the trampoline because she would wet herself after having given birth to 3 children, I thought of my mother. My though process went something like this: OK, well, my mom had 5 kids and she would probably still jump on a trampoline. She never mentioned that having so many kids made her lose her bladder control.

But then after further thought... my mom was always wetting herself! She had to pee all the time! Whenever we were going anywhere, she would pee before we left and then have to go really bad immediately when we got to wherever we were going. And several times, she actually wet herself on the way there or on the way home!

So now I'm terrified. We live out in the middle of nowhere, and the drives to get anywhere are full of nothing. There's no place to stop to go. And the shoulders are pretty non-existent here. They aren't even big enough to pull your car completely over. I've thought about the issue quite a bit with potty training. I know the day will come when my son has to pee on our way somewhere. And there is really no place to stop once you leave the closest town (30 miles away).

I hate to admit it, but I did actually wet the car once. And I immediately thought of my mother. I wasn't even pregnant, and I only had given birth to one chld at that time. It was right after we moved up here to the middle of nowhere. I went to town and had to pee on the way home... I tried really hard to make it, but nope.

Anyway, these days my mother's lack of bladder control is no longer quite as funny :)

Pregnant Brain

It's real folks.

I swear my vocabulary goes right out the window. Can't ever think of the word I need when I need it ;)

And being busy just does not help! I swear we have been all full up on appointments these days. Last week we had the ultrasound on Monday, an appointment on Wednesday, baby girl's 18mos check up Thursday... and this week I had my dr apt this morning...

But with the whole appointment thing... 2 weeks ago I posted about forgetting baby girl's 18mos check up and having to reschedule... well, yesterday I flipped the calender to March just to see what I have going on next month and there is a "1pm baby girl" written on March 25th. Obviously a dr's appointment because there's really nothing else it could be. So at my apt this morning I asked if I had her scheduled, sure enough I did! I must've called twice to schedule her 18mos apt! ???? Ugh. I'm totally losing my mind!

At my appointment this morning, we almost left little man's juice cup. The funny thing was that it was him who reminded me! Just as we were walking out the door he asked where his juice cup was. Glad someone was paying attention!

Last time I was pregnant my husband told me I needed to stop going places myself, he was afraid I would forget little man somewhere... the bad thing was that I think he was serious! ;)

Anyway, I noticed this morning, in my palm (when I was looking to make sure I didn't have anything else scheduled this week that I forgot to write on the calender!) I noticed that I had "due date" still in there. So today would have been my due date. I had forgotten. Just when my due date had been of course. I was just thinking about the miscarriage last night. Its never too far from my mind. The pain does lessen, but the memories don't fade quite as fast. I know it would be a different story if I wasn't pregnant now. I probably would have been obsessing over the due date, and today would have been much harder to swallow.

I know how blessed I am, pregnant brain and all! :)

And seriously, I think pregnant brain lasts until after you are done nursing... maybe not as bad, but still ;)

Well....

We had to leave yesterday at 6am to go to the unnamed "big city" to get my ultrasound done. We decided to leave the kids in their pjs and change them into clothes when we got there. Sadly, we arrived just at the time my appointment was scheduled, so didn't have the time to change them into clothes. So I'm sure I looked like the biggest slacker mom in the world ;) and to top it off baby girl was in an old pair of little man's dinosaur pjs. ;)



Even though we were about 10 minutes late by the time we checked in, we were in the waiting room for at least an hour!! Amazingly, we only had a couple of minor meltdowns. It was just starting to get a little hairy when we were finally called.



Everything with baby looked good! Measuring exactly on due date! :)



And... it is definately a boy!



When the ultrasound tech said "boy" baby sister let out a wail and started crying! Too funny.



Although I was pretty impartial, I didn't realize until we were getting ready in the morning that I might be a tad disappointed if it was a girl.



Funny thing is that with little man we had his name right away and were floundering with a girls name. With baby girl, we had her name right away and were back and forth on boys names. This time we had a boys name picked out and couldn't decide between a few girls names.... Funny how things work out that way.



Also, since we started telling little man about the new baby he's been saying that there's a new "little man" in mommy's belly. (using his own name of course).



Anyway, I'm just thrilled that everything looks good with the new little man! I always get all paranoid before an ultrasound. But then feel so much better after seeing that everything is going good :)

Glad the week is finally over...

So glad that its finally the weekend. The week started fine, but quickly got to be one of the most challenging weeks I've had lately.

Of course if you read my last post, you know how Wednesday went. And thank you all for your kind and supportive comments!! I'm so glad I have a place to vent and friends like you all!

The rest of the week just went downhill from there. The only good thing about Wednesday was that it was a simultaneous nap day. Love those. But of course sometimes they are pretty rare.

Thursday Little Man was a challenge from the time his feet hit the floor in the morning. I don't know what was up with him, but there was nothing I could do to get his behavior under control. He was in time outs all throughout the day. And then came nap time. Was not going down for anything. And all of a sudden he's completely freaked out by the lamp in the bedroom. Its just a plain old ordinary lamp. But the shade is pretty old and yellowed and is cracking in some places (its a hard plastic thing). On Thursday while he was laying down he started getting all hysterical telling me to stop the lamp. And you could tell he was totally freaked out by it. Everytime I would lay him down he would look at it and start crying. Guess maybe I will have to try getting a new lampshade... He's fine at night... probably because its so dark he can't really see the lamp.

And with all the carrying on he ended up waking up baby girl... by the time tweenie got home from school I just had to leave her to watch the two little ones before I completely blew up and lost my cool.

At least Little man went to bed pretty early and fell asleep in about 2 minutes...

Then on Friday, little man's behavior was great. But baby girl ended up having a day full of time outs.

I suppose having two parents with OCD tendencies pretty much predisposes the children to OCD tendencies...

Baby girl figured out how she could climb onto the rubbermaid storage thing with drawers that sits next to the tv/stereo... and she realized if she sat on it she could grab remotes and movies and turn up the volume on the stereo. Every single time I left the room she was up on that thing. I finally had to start giving her time outs and putting her in the playpen if I had to leave the room for a minute... she had time out after time out and still 2 days later will not stop climbing that thing. I would move it, but then if I just moved everything she climbed on we would have nothing left in the living room. She has to learn. And unfortunately she is very hard-headed.

And to top it all off I completely forgot about baby girl's 18-month well child check up on Friday! We were sitting at the table having lunch and my palm alarm started going off. I thought it was strange, thought maybe tweenie had an early out... but there was not a thing on my calendar. Looked at my palm and it said Dr's apt at 1pm!! It was 12:30, and my husband had taken the car to work. It would have taken him until 1 to get home. When I originally scheduled the appointment the Dr was booked for two months! When I called to reschedule they said she was booked until June!!! WTF??? I wish I would have written the damn appointment on the calendar! Now we have to see the Dr there that I don't like. Grrrr. At least she can go in next week and that won't put us behind schedule. I'm so mad at myself. I didn't even tell my husband about it. It would just end up as ammunition. I'm going to plead pregnant brain! ;)

Let's just hope that next week goes much better than this week! We have our ultrasound on Monday! So hopefully baby is turned right and we can tell if baby is a boy or girl! And then I can start crocheting cute little baby booties and hats ;)

If you're wondering, I'm pretty impartial about whether its a boy or girl. It would be nice to have a boy, otherwise poor little man will be horribly outnumbered! But if we have a girl we will be entirely set on clothes! And we have so many adorable girl clothes that were barely worn. We were pretty poor when we had little man, so we would probably have to buy some clothes (also there may be a seasonal difference--whereas we have plenty of every size and season for a girl with bought and hand me down clothes). And also, I've given birth to one of each. My step-daughter was 5 when my husband and I got together, and our adopted daughter was 6 when we started spending time with her during the adoption process (which all told lasted about a year!). So I didn't have them as babies.

Anyway... excited about Monday and looking forward to a new and better week!

Busy, Busy

Had a busy week. Busy trying to finish the 4th Twilight book so I can concentrate on the classes I'm teaching this semester! Three quarters of the way through. It was a struggle to get my syllabi prepared... I took on a second class at the last minute. I'm excited about teaching of course and can't wait to devote myself to that instead of the obsession of Twilight...

Had to take little man to the Dr yesterday. He had this red patch under his eye which wasn't getting any better. He kept rubbing it and making it worse. Turns out its eczema. They gave us a prescription for an ointment, but it has steroids in it and I'm a little afraid to use it on him. Anyone have any more natural remedies?

I had originally made an appointment for Tuesday. Our regular Dr is always scheduled out for a month or two, so any spur of the moment appointments we have to see someone else in her office. And every single time I've had to make an appointment for something the first Dr they try to make an appointment with is the one who offended me with a few off comments. Particularly a comment about my miscarriage being "practice."

I always refuse to see him and ask if we can see someone else. They probably wonder why I refuse to see that Dr. Anyway, we made the appointment with a physician's assistant there. But then I realized that I would have to get the kids up and dressed in time to take my husband to work so we could have the car... and that idea just didn't appeal to me. Especially when the next day would be more convenient to do that - I teach in the mornings then come home and then the hubby goes to work... Anyway, so I called and rescheduled for Wednesday, assuming they would reschedule with the PA that I was going to see on Tuesday. Nope. And of course they did not mention that when I rescheduled. I was none the wiser until after the Nurse took all of Little Man's vitals and said that Dr so and so would be right in.

I just about jumped off the chair and took off. But of course, I remained adult about it. And I started feeling a little guilty... especially after he looked at little man and made his diagnosis and explained the treatment and everything. He is a really nice Dr. But still, the words he spoke to me months and months ago were just so completely insensitive. They still burn. I was just glad that my husband couldn't go to the appointment with us. He would have insisted we leave when he found out we were seeing that Dr.

I almost feel like I'm harboring an unfair grudge. But then again... what kind of a Dr says such a thing? And every time I see him I am reminded of things I don't want to be reminded of. Things that I can't seem to forget anyway, but made ever so present when I see him. Its like a slap in the face.

I don't want to dwell there.

So let's move on...

I think the nausea is finally subsiding. I still feel a little pukey a few times a day, but not 24/7. So that's quite an improvement. Time is flying by so fast. I can't believe I'm already a little past 17 weeks! Of course the first 12 weeks went by so slow!! I felt like I would never get through to that 12 week mark. Now I'm just waiting for my ultrasound in the middle of February. And hoping and praying that everything will turn out good!

More sickness, and tiredness and busy-ness

This has been another one of those weeks from hell. Baby girl has been sick for the past few days. Her nose has been in a constant state of faucetness. It just keeps pouring and pouring out! Her poor nose is red, as well as her cheeks and the tops of her hands, as if I do not catch the snot quick enough (and by quick enough I mean within a second of her sneezing snot out) she is rubbing it with both hands all over her cheeks! She is so miserable! You can just tell by looking at her that she does not feel well at all.

And she hasn't been sleeping well for the past couple of nights. Which means no one else has been sleeping well. Except of course little man, who can sleep through just about anything - including baby girl screaming in his ear in the middle of the night. The only way I can get her back to sleep and to stay asleep for longer than an hour is to get up and go sit in the rocking chair and rock her to sleep. So, I've spent two nights sleeping in the rocking chair with her. And boy are we all tired!

She seems to be feeling a little better today, she's actually been playing and she ate really well. So hopefully tonight we will be able to get some good sleep!

This morning my husband was going to call in sick to work. And for the first time I was actually glad. But then of course he decided to go in - so I was a little disappointed. And it figures. Any other time I would encourage him to go to work and he would stay home ;) He must've known that I would have put him to work if he would've stayed home!

I haven't been able to get anything done around the house... I've just spent the past few days holding my sick baby girl :( Nothing makes you feel worse than having your baby sick and not being able to do anything about it.

I'm thinking tonight we will just have to drive the 35 miles and get some McDonald's for dinner. I have nothing quick at home and no dishes done to make anything with or eat anything with. And I'm just too tired to do anything today. Horrible.

In better news, we took the trip to my ultrasound appointment yesterday and everything is looking good! The baby has a heartbeat in the 150s and we got to see that little peanut of a baby! :) Its so damn exciting!! I just love seeing those images on the ultrasound. Its so reassuring.

Don't forget to go vote!!

I can't wait to vote tonight! My hubby gets to leave an hour early and we are heading straight for the polls! I'm so glad we live in a town with a population under 100 today. Even if the whole town shows up at once we won't have to wait as long as some people will. Which is awesome since we have two itty bitty kiddies ;) It looked like half the town was there earlier when I came home from the store.

And then we're going to try to stay up as late as possible tonight! :) Which means I'll be nodding off on the couch by 8pm ;)

Isn't it exciting??

I'm going to have to take some snacks to the polls. I hope they don't mind if I get a cheetoe smudge on their computer screen. Yes, even in our poh-dunk little town we have computers to vote on! (although, I'm a little leary of that given what came to light yesterday about computers and voter fraud).

Anyway... I am freaking starving. 24/7!! I've never been so damn hungry in my entire life!! Have you seen the movie Slither? It's hilarious - actually a stupid-funny B horror flick. But there's this part where this woman has been impregnated by this alien with a bunch of slugs or whatever and she's all blown up like a big balloon (so much that she can't even move) and she says "I'm so f*ng hungry. I never knew anyone could be so hungry. Could you hand me a piece of that possum?" I so feel like that right now.

Seriously, I'm eating like a Hobbit. I'm eating 2 or 3 of each meal. And then eating when I get up to pee in the middle of the night. Its outrageous. And I just can't quit!

One of my students came into class last night with a pizza, and I almost bribed him with a good grade for a slice. But luckily he offered before I had to beg. I chased the pizza with some M&Ms.

I ate half the groceries before I got home from the store today.

But I'm also feeling nauseous at the same time. Its so weird. I keep thinking that if I eat something I won't feel as nauseous... but the eating just keeps it slightly at bay.

Anyway, I'll just be sitting here eating everything sweet and salty in sight until its time to go vote! Then I'll be munching away in front of the TV until I find out who wins!!!

Guess I got some time after all

After waiting for my husband to come for for about 45mins, he called to say he was still stuck at work :) so maybe I can squeeze a real post in here after all :)

If you are here for the award, scroll down! :)

So I've been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks about pregnancies. For obvious reasons. I'm comparing it to the last one for anxiety reasons. And in hindsight, I really didn't have too many pregnancy symptoms last time. I was constipated, peeing a little more often, and just a little hungrier. But otherwise, I didn't even feel pregnant. I guess it didn't concern me last time because I didn't remember feeling all that pregnant with either of my two other babies.

But now? I remember feeling exactly like I'm feeling now when I was pregnant with my baby girl (my second baby). I am starving my butt off constantly. Last time, I would eat seconds at dinner, but I wasn't spending every waking hour scarfing up everything I could lay my hands on! And I've started feeling nauseous at night. And nauseousness is a good thing. OK, so it doesn't feel all that great, but it is a good indication of a well established pregnancy. The first night I started feeling nauseous, I was hesitantly feeling better about this pregnancy... but thinking maybe it was just something I ate... but now I've been nauseous for about three days straight! And I'm outgrowing my pants already! So I just can't help but feel good. Of course I'm still full of anxiety, but I know that I wasn't feeling anywhere near this pregnant last time.

It is killing me not being able to tell anyone! Well, of course I told you guys ;) But we are waiting to tell family until we are sure that everything is going OK. I will admit that I did tell my mom. Who doesn't blab to their mom right away? I still can't keep secrets from her. And knowing that she can't keep a secret, I finally broke down and told one of my sisters. It was maybe a week later than when I told my mom. And my sister said that my mom kept asking her if she'd talked to me, so she was thinking something was up. Too funny. And once my mom knew that I told my little sister, she just couldn't wait to tell my other sister... so I'm sure by now my entire family knows. But I won't tell my husband that :) And I actually talked to his sister for an hour yesterday and managed to keep my mouth shut about it! That was no easy feat!

I need to really watch myself though - we haven't told Tweenie yet. Because of last time. She was really excited about having another baby, and was pretty upset about the miscarriage. Last night while we were trick-or-treating I almost blabbed to a complete stranger in front of Tweenie! That would have been awful! Tell a stranger before your own daughter? I so need to just tape my big mouth shut! But I'm thinking that she's going to be able to guess here pretty soon, as my pants are no longer fitting...

The really sucky thing about not being able to tell anyone, is that every time I've been pregnant there's been some reason for not blabbing to everyone immediately.

The first time I was pregnant, I found out on the same day that my step-dad died. It was one of the best and worst days of my life. My step-dad had passed out at home after having passed out at work, they were headed to his Dr's. The next day I took the test at my mom's before we left for the hospital. I didn't want to take the test at home. Anyway, long story short, later that night was when they decided to take him off life support, and he passed right after. If I would have known, I never would have taken the test that day. I just know that my step-dad would have really gotten a kick out of my little man. I know he would have doted over him. Needless to say, we waited a while to tell my family. Just bad timing.

The second time I was pregnant, I was starting to think I was pregnant right after my little sister's dad passed away and she was going through a miscarriage. That was another awful time for my family. And again, I waited a while to tell my family. And then I waited even longer to tell my baby sister. And even when I did tell her, I felt just awful. With our first babies, we were pregnant at the same time, we had our first babies just two months apart. I so wanted to be pregnant with her again. She ended up having her second baby nine months after I had mine :)

And the last time? Well, we told everyone right away. Even though we found out that one of my husband's close cousins had passed away the same day. And his brother had just passed away a few weeks before. His family was thrilled though - with all the loss, they were so happy to be having another addition.

And that would be the down side of telling everyone right away... because then we ended up having to call and tell everyone the bad news. Those were some of the worst phone calls I've ever had to make.

Anyway, I don't know how long I can wait to tell everyone! How long should I wait? 10 weeks? 12 weeks? I'm thinking 10 weeks, because 12 weeks is just so long! I guess I'm already about halfway there - I will be six weeks along tomorrow. The funny thing is that at six weeks along with baby girl was when I started outgrowing my pants! I thought maybe it was twins since I was getting bigger quicker. But I guess after your first one you get bigger quicker :)

Well, I'll just be sitting here eating everything in sight and trying like crazy to keep my big mouth shut!

Damn that Halloween candy.

I mean seriously, it is just astounding how hungry I have been. I've even eaten stuff off the high chair after baby girl is done eating. As long as it hasn't already been slobbered on too much.

Candycorn anyone?

Dear Husband,

OK, I admit it. It was me last night eating candy corn in bed at 3am.

I couldn't help myself.

It was calling to me from the counter when I got up to pee for the second time.

I would have just eaten it in the kitchen, but I was holding sleeping baby girl and didn't want her to wake up (the joys of co-sleeping). So I crawled into bed with a handful of candy corn. At least it was a quiet food and I didn't wake everyone up with my munching.

But yeah, OK, there may be a little orange stain on the bed from when I fell asleep in the middle of my snack. And maybe a few stray candy corns under my pillow. At least it wasn't chocolate pudding I was sneaking in bed.

I know, I know, I am a big freak about not eating in bed and have forbidden you to ever do so. But you should know by now that the "no eating in bed" rules change for pregnant women. I'm exempt from this rule for the next 7 or so months. You however, are still forbidden from eating in bed. I just don't like the idea of sleeping in someone else's crumbs.

Thanks for understanding :)