I have a problem. Yep, you guessed it. Oh, the title gave it away? I have a complete and total addiction to wanting to have babies.
Lazy Baby got the label of my last baby. And I really meant it. For many reasons.
~~I just turned 40!! I know, people are having babies later in life, but seriously, I will be 60!! when Lazy Baby is 20!! My husband will be one year from retiring. He thought 40 was old to be having a baby (he turned 40 one month before our first Little Man was born).
~~I will most likely have gestational diabetes again. From the start. And that totally sucked!! That alone should be enough to make me be done!
~~My hands are overly full these days. Truth be told, I was overwhelmed with 2 little ones. And now here I am overly overwhelmed with 3. It wouldn't be so bad if I had friends or family or lived in an actual city with actual neighbors. And if I didn't have to drive at least 25 miles to get diapers and milk.
But in theory I would love to have another. I always wanted lots of kids. Of course the reality is: no way should I even be seriously considering having another. Really, I would be too embarrassed to even tell anyone if I was pregnant again. Everyone thought I was a tad on the crazy side last time. There would be no question in their minds if I did this whole thing one more time.
I was 2 days late this month (ordinarily it wouldn't be a big deal, but I had been starting 3 and 4 days early). I had 2 whole days to sit around and worry and think about it. I was terrified. But the thing was that when I finally started I was both relieved and disappointed. I was really taken aback by the whole disappointment thing. What the hell is my brain and body up to?? ;) I mean really, disappointed?? Hello ovaries, I know that you are so glad to finally be able to work and all...but lets not overdo it here.
I have spent most of my adult life trying to get pregnant. I started wanting babies when I was somewhere between 18-20. I started seriously trying to get pregnant around the age of 23. I guess a habit like that doesn't just die easy. It was more than a habit. It was a way of life. It was the guiding force in my life for all those years I was unable to conceive.
And now? I don't know how to quit. I don't know how to let my brain and body know that I'm done having babies. I'm done trying to get pregnant.
But the other day I was going through some baby clothes. Putting away the ones Lazy Baby has outgrown, going through Little Man's baby clothes, and going back through Baby Girl's clothes to pull out the unisex and Christmas stuff... It seems like such a waste. I had so many baby girl clothes. So many cute things. I found a few things that still had tags on them. I found some adorable outfits that she only wore once or twice. I found stuff I never put on her. For a few minutes I thought it would be nice to have another girl. And really, my OCD is all about evenness. In a way things are all even at home now, we have 2 girls and 2 boys full time. When step-tweenie comes it's uneven because we have 3 girls and 2 boys. So if anything we are short a boy sometimes. But on the other hand: I've given birth to an uneven number. 2 boys and 1 girl. Oh well. Some things are just meant to be uneven. And I'll just have to get over it. Because there is just no way I could possibly handle another. I have to recognize my limits and stick to them.
But the reality is: no matter how crazy and hectic my days are, no matter how much I complain, no matter how little time I have for myself, at the end of the day, when I kiss my little ones good night and crawl into bed with Lazy Baby to nurse him to sleep I feel blessed. I feel like I could do it a million times over. There just aren't words enough to convey the beauty and joy and wonder and amazement. There are so many moments in each day that I just look at one of my children and feel overwhelmed with emotional bliss. Is it any wonder I'm addicted?
OK now I know pregnant brain lasts while nursing.
Writer’s Workshop: Like A Drifter
1 day ago