The One Where I Break Down... or almost

I had my 6-week postpartum check up last week. In all honesty, this has been the best recovery. Physically I feel fine! The recoveries from the first two were horrendous. Especially last time with the level 4 tear! I won't even go into how awful it was to go to the bathroom about the first 20 times! This time was completely awesome and I felt blessed. After the first couple of days I didn't even have to use the bottle or the spray or any of that stuff that makes going to the bathroom an all day affair.

Everything checked out great except for the blood test to see if I still have diabetes/insulin problems. Yay, I get to go in for another 2-hour glucose tolerance test!

But when she got to the question about postpartum depression... I nearly had a breakdown right there in the examination room. I was just too tired that day to hold it in and pretend like everything was peachy. It was one of those days where I was just coming off two completely miserable crabby baby days and nights. The two days prior he was fussy ALL DAY and I could do nothing. And the two nights prior were his worst colicky fits ever, lasting from just after dinner until almost 11pm. Usually I can get him settled by 9pm at the latest. I had to just let him cry in the bassinet in the bathroom so I could even take a shower before the appointment.

I was totally at my breaking point when I walked into the doctor's office.

I had ppd after birthing my two other children. But I never admitted it to anyone, especially not the doctors. But I never even talked to my husband, mother or sister about it. I just kept it in and it eventually subsided. I was never (and currently am not) at any point where there was any danger in it. And I really doubted that anyone ever noticed. I'm pretty good at covering such things up.

I felt awful and stupid. My doctor asked whether I thought medication or counselling would help. Medication is out for me, I like my brain too much to want any interference, and I just plain don't like taking anything (except prenatal vitamins of course). So I said that maybe counselling would help. Mostly because I just really need someone to talk to who will listen. But the thing is that I have no one to watch the kids, so they would all have to go with. My doctor said that she could find someone who was willing to work that way. She gave me a referral and said that they would contact me to set up an appointment.

I meant to talk to my husband about it, but who really wants to have that conversation? I put it off. But of course he had stopped in at home the other day when they called to make the appointment and I had to fess up. Which started a huge argument. He took it personally, thought that it was somehow about him, some kind of setup to make him look bad. He actually suggested that it was all because he made me quit blogging (I finally gave up my "public, non-anonymous" blog after a huge fight about it two days before Lazy Baby was born - he doesn't know about this one). Ugh.

And then of course he had to say that I wanted all these children. Of course I did. And I don't regret it for a moment. I feel completely blessed to have them. And that's exactly why I don't complain to him about having to do 100% of the parenting and caring for the children. It's why I never ask him to do anything. But likewise he wanted these children, otherwise they wouldn't be here. I shouldn't have to ask for him to pitch in and help once in a while. If he did, maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. I'm totally not selfish, but I do need to have some time for myself.

Regardless, he had a good point about going to counselling. It would be an added stress. I would have to get all 3 little ones ready and out the door by myself and really, how easy will it be for me to talk to someone while trying to wrangle all three of them in an office? It would just add stress. So I cancelled the appointment.

I think I just need to get out and do something. Aside from the fact that it is going to be very difficult and stressful to get all the kids ready and out the door myself, anywhere to go around here is a half an hour drive. Playgroup? 30miles. Store? at least 30miles. Library? very small one 20 miles, bigger one 30 miles. Neighbors? Mennonites, and one family with a mom that works 2 jobs and has 3 kids, all older than mine, plus sounds like she has a busy social life - I talk to her maybe once a few months. Then there are a couple of single male farmers behind us a ways. We live in a town with a population under 100, and most of those less than 100 people are older. Sadly, I've actually considered asking the postmaster which of those old ladies knit so I could call them and have them help me out with some knitting issues I have (but really I haven't even had the time for anything crafty in the past 5 weeks).

My social life since we moved up here has consisted of greetings at the checkouts of Wal-Mart, and the gas station and small butcher shop in the nearest town (pop 200).

I need to find myself some friends. But I don't make friends very well. And I'm really awful at keeping friends. I'm one of those people that forget to email back, and really hate calling people. The only reason I had a social life in high school was because my best friend kept calling me all the time (at first I found it pretty annoying) and dragging my butt out, rarely taking no for an answer and blowing holes into all my planned excuses.

I also need to just suck it up and start talking to my husband. He's not an easy person to talk to. I use to try, but whenever I would start talking about something he would get hung up on something insignificant that I said and get mad about it and quit listening. Certainly we can talk about a lot of things, otherwise we wouldn't still be together. But when it comes to emotional issues or "serious" talk, we have problems. We don't see eye to eye and we never seem to be on the same page. I gave up on that aspect of our relationship a long time ago.

Have I depressed the hell out of you yet? ;) I promise I will post something funny soon. Because we all know that humor/laughter is a good cure for just about anything right?