Thursday, August 20, 2009

The One Where I Break Down... or almost

I had my 6-week postpartum check up last week. In all honesty, this has been the best recovery. Physically I feel fine! The recoveries from the first two were horrendous. Especially last time with the level 4 tear! I won't even go into how awful it was to go to the bathroom about the first 20 times! This time was completely awesome and I felt blessed. After the first couple of days I didn't even have to use the bottle or the spray or any of that stuff that makes going to the bathroom an all day affair.

Everything checked out great except for the blood test to see if I still have diabetes/insulin problems. Yay, I get to go in for another 2-hour glucose tolerance test!

But when she got to the question about postpartum depression... I nearly had a breakdown right there in the examination room. I was just too tired that day to hold it in and pretend like everything was peachy. It was one of those days where I was just coming off two completely miserable crabby baby days and nights. The two days prior he was fussy ALL DAY and I could do nothing. And the two nights prior were his worst colicky fits ever, lasting from just after dinner until almost 11pm. Usually I can get him settled by 9pm at the latest. I had to just let him cry in the bassinet in the bathroom so I could even take a shower before the appointment.

I was totally at my breaking point when I walked into the doctor's office.

I had ppd after birthing my two other children. But I never admitted it to anyone, especially not the doctors. But I never even talked to my husband, mother or sister about it. I just kept it in and it eventually subsided. I was never (and currently am not) at any point where there was any danger in it. And I really doubted that anyone ever noticed. I'm pretty good at covering such things up.

I felt awful and stupid. My doctor asked whether I thought medication or counselling would help. Medication is out for me, I like my brain too much to want any interference, and I just plain don't like taking anything (except prenatal vitamins of course). So I said that maybe counselling would help. Mostly because I just really need someone to talk to who will listen. But the thing is that I have no one to watch the kids, so they would all have to go with. My doctor said that she could find someone who was willing to work that way. She gave me a referral and said that they would contact me to set up an appointment.

I meant to talk to my husband about it, but who really wants to have that conversation? I put it off. But of course he had stopped in at home the other day when they called to make the appointment and I had to fess up. Which started a huge argument. He took it personally, thought that it was somehow about him, some kind of setup to make him look bad. He actually suggested that it was all because he made me quit blogging (I finally gave up my "public, non-anonymous" blog after a huge fight about it two days before Lazy Baby was born - he doesn't know about this one). Ugh.

And then of course he had to say that I wanted all these children. Of course I did. And I don't regret it for a moment. I feel completely blessed to have them. And that's exactly why I don't complain to him about having to do 100% of the parenting and caring for the children. It's why I never ask him to do anything. But likewise he wanted these children, otherwise they wouldn't be here. I shouldn't have to ask for him to pitch in and help once in a while. If he did, maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. I'm totally not selfish, but I do need to have some time for myself.

Regardless, he had a good point about going to counselling. It would be an added stress. I would have to get all 3 little ones ready and out the door by myself and really, how easy will it be for me to talk to someone while trying to wrangle all three of them in an office? It would just add stress. So I cancelled the appointment.

I think I just need to get out and do something. Aside from the fact that it is going to be very difficult and stressful to get all the kids ready and out the door myself, anywhere to go around here is a half an hour drive. Playgroup? 30miles. Store? at least 30miles. Library? very small one 20 miles, bigger one 30 miles. Neighbors? Mennonites, and one family with a mom that works 2 jobs and has 3 kids, all older than mine, plus sounds like she has a busy social life - I talk to her maybe once a few months. Then there are a couple of single male farmers behind us a ways. We live in a town with a population under 100, and most of those less than 100 people are older. Sadly, I've actually considered asking the postmaster which of those old ladies knit so I could call them and have them help me out with some knitting issues I have (but really I haven't even had the time for anything crafty in the past 5 weeks).

My social life since we moved up here has consisted of greetings at the checkouts of Wal-Mart, and the gas station and small butcher shop in the nearest town (pop 200).

I need to find myself some friends. But I don't make friends very well. And I'm really awful at keeping friends. I'm one of those people that forget to email back, and really hate calling people. The only reason I had a social life in high school was because my best friend kept calling me all the time (at first I found it pretty annoying) and dragging my butt out, rarely taking no for an answer and blowing holes into all my planned excuses.

I also need to just suck it up and start talking to my husband. He's not an easy person to talk to. I use to try, but whenever I would start talking about something he would get hung up on something insignificant that I said and get mad about it and quit listening. Certainly we can talk about a lot of things, otherwise we wouldn't still be together. But when it comes to emotional issues or "serious" talk, we have problems. We don't see eye to eye and we never seem to be on the same page. I gave up on that aspect of our relationship a long time ago.

Have I depressed the hell out of you yet? ;) I promise I will post something funny soon. Because we all know that humor/laughter is a good cure for just about anything right?

12 comments:

Jenn said...

I know how you feel , I moved here 4 years ago and I do not know one single person. I have the three older kids and all the crap from their dad to deal with plus I have the 18 month old and now a newborn. The dh works all the time and is never home, he does help when he's here ...however most times he's not home till the boy is in bed so really he doesn't have to do much !

If you want to talk since we are both in the same boat, just email me and we can add each other in chat or on facebook or whatever.

I hope you have a good night and the baby settles down...my girl is screaming ...guess my computer time is over !

Becky said...

I really really think you should try to keep the appt. I think you need to be able to talk to someone. If you can't blog openly in your own house, you are alone in a house full of babies all day long (of course a blessed filled very much wanted baby filled house), and your husband always seems to get mad when you try to talk to him, I think talking to a non biased person would BE GREAT FOR YOU! It is NOT about him. It is about you. And how to help you, so you can be a great mom and feel better. Sometimes just having someone to talk to can make you feel SO MUCH better.
Call them back.

And I am a very anti taking medicine person, I agree with not wanting to take something if you don't need it. But if it would help you over this hump for just the time being, it's okay! Not everything makes your mind fuzzy or has such side effects. No one says you need to be on it forever.

Girl....if I lived closer I would give you a big hug!! Please stand up for you and help yourself:)

Tanya said...

oh man :(

with Nunu i had it. but had no idea. M told me about it & suggested that i look online about it & that i go to the dr. so i did & got on some anti-depressants. this was when Nunuw as 3-4 months old. according to him i was a crying sobbing mess all the time, almost every day. i really don't recall those days. perhaps an alter-ego trying to take over my life (ha).

back then, a lot was going on...personally. i had gotten pregnant after 4 months of "messing around" & "being young & dumb", i was very very insecure because i wasn't convinced M was in it for the long haul, i was 20 years old & hadn't done shit with my life, and i only had my best friend at the time to talk to.

however, this time with Ry...i was totally prepared to have ppd again. i was actually anticipating it. however, i don't think it ever came. my life is way different than it was back then & i had sooo many friends now that had gone through it too, that we had talked about it prior to Ry's arrival.

i know how you feel with the not talking to the hubby thing. i really don't think men get it. and it being...everything. it's like we have to make them a fricken list of reminders just to get some help around the house.

i'm with you...you will be ok. i think blogging is a GREAT way to get your feelings out, so blog away!! :)

**HUGS!!**

LazyCrazyMama said...

@all: thank you ladies so much!! Your advice and support means a lot!

MommyBrain said...

Perhaps it's my own pregnancy hormones, but I am sitting here typing through tears. I feel so helpless to help you. And your tone seems so hopeless. You definitely have a lot of "stuff" on your plate. I could never, ever live so far from human contact - I have a moms' group that I found through a website called Meetup.com, and I attending a playdate at least once a week. I would be completely bonkers without that social outlet for me and my toddler girl. And I have to say a big "boo hiss" to a husband you can't talk to, who doesn't support you as the mother of his beautiful babies. Please, please, please consider keeping that appointment - try it once to see if the talking/support outweighs the chaos of taking three little ones with you.

My thoughts are with you, and I know you can do this!

M said...

I would totally suggest taking any medication you can. There are many very good ones out there and they are all lactation-safe. It's completely worth it...and I'm speaking from experience. I have a 6-month old and I have been suffering from PPD ever since he was born. My husband and I live far away from family and we have no friends in the area, plus he works 80+ hours a week and never gets a break, so it's me almost 100% of the time with the baby. Add to that the fact that I have recently given up my pursuits of a Ph.D. to stay home with the baby full time, and it's a lot to handle. There are so many identity issues and confidence problems, it's hard to manage it all, not to mention the anxiety of caring for a baby. Don't worry about it doing anything to your brain...all it does it makes you feel like yourself again, and that's what you need. More importantly, that's what your kids need. They need their Mama to be at her best, and if taking medication is what does that for you, then that's what you need to do. Talking to someone is a good idea, too, but that's what your husband is for. If he can't listen or starts to tune you out, my suggestion is to encourage him to find a babysitter so the BOTH of you can meet with a counselor together. That will help you, but it will also help him to understand you and therefore strengthen your relationship (or at least you hope). I'm thinking of you and I wish you all the best with your situation. I know it's hard, but I also know there's help out there. Just remember: you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. So drink. Drink. Drink. And do it all for your kiddies!
Best,
M :)
http://Mandthe2Henrys.blogspot.com
http://HomemakerPhD.blogspot.com

~~Mel~~ said...

Oh girl, hang in there! You sound pretty miserable and I hate that your husband isn't being supportive of the counselling...I think being able to vent to someone would be huge for you right now...take a huge weight off your shoulders...we all feel better after a bit of a vent.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Kathy B! said...

Just make sure that if you need help you ask for it. I know this is hard... you'll make it.

Bethany AKA Mother of the Munchkins said...

Wow. I can tell you right now I've been in your exact shoes. It's a tough thing to admit but admitting and knowing is half the battle. Now comes the big step. What to do about it? I tried meds, not therapy. (Meds sorta helped but like you, I don't like taking things, went off of them after 3 months. But admit, they did help to a certain degree. It wasn't a cure all. Should I have been in therapy? Probably.) The biggest thing right now is that you've got to get your husband on the right page with you. If you've got no one else close by, a parent, sibling, friend, you got to have someone who has your back. Honestly, if you are going to therapy, you both should go. He needs to realize the seriousness of the situation and how you feel. I know, it isn't easy... I went through the same and on my absolutely worse-of-worse days, while I didn't say peep to anyone around me about how I felt, I at least could leave the kids with someone for a break. Even if it was a short break. Whether it was the hub, my folks, my in-laws. When the need arose I took full advantage. YOU need a break, sister. Oh, my gosh, I could go on and on about this, cause I know how you feel. I know.

Janell said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't like taking meds at all either, but perhaps for a short time it would help? I also echo the encouragement to get counseling, and even better if you can get your DH to go too. Do you know any babysitters? Can you take a trip to visit family so you can get a break/help with the kids for a little while? Would your hubby be receptive to the idea of you getting out by yourself for a couple of hours once a week?

Sorry if my answers are not helpful. I linked to you from BlogHer on my sidebar, and I just wanted you to know that your post touched me and I'll be thinking of you.

Helene said...

I just wanna reach out through my computer and give you a big ole hug. I totally understand where you're coming from. I had horrible PPD after my 2nd set of twins were born. Looking back, I know now that I had it too after my 1st set of twins were born but I was way too embarrassed to ask for help or even to admit it to myself.

I finally decided I needed anti-depressants, and that coupled with some natural supplements and therapy, I got through it. There are times where I feel like I'm slipping back into that dark hole again but it does help to talk to someone about it, either someone who's been through it or your husband or a friend who you really trust.

I know it's hard to put yourself out there, to make new friends while dragging your kids alongside of you. If anything, even just going for a short walk in the sunshine will help. There were days I had to force myself to get out of the house.

I wrote about my PPD a little bit on my blog if you ever wanna read those posts. They're under the PPD label on my right sidebar.

Hang in there....the good thing is that you're aware of your emotions and that's the best place to start. I do hope you start to feel better soon.

BTW, my dr strongly recommended taking fish oil capsules to help with the drepssion and I think that also helped a great deal.

anymommy said...

Sometimes it just takes one good friend to make all the difference. Keep trying to find her, but in the meantime, maybe make that counselling apt again? What can it hurt, sometimes loading all the kids up is a blessing.

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