Where has the week gone???

First of all I want to shout out a big THANK YOU to all of you who responded to my previous post! I love you all so much and am so grateful that all of you took the time to offer your much needed advice and support. I'm trying to get back to all of you individually, but if I haven't yet - I've been having an awful week for getting anything done!


This week has gone by so fast! Lazy Baby has been giving me somewhat of a break in the evenings, which means he's only screaming for about 1 hour instead of 3-5. I really hope we shake this colic thing at 3 mos!! BUT, he has been fussy like all. day. long. Except for yesterday. Yesterday he was an angel. BUT we were at the Doctor's office just about all day (he does so great on the go that I would totally stay on the move all day every day if I could!). I had my lab appointment for the 2 hour glucose tolerance test at 9:30, Baby Girl had her 2-year well child at 10:30, and we were there until at least 12:30!! We were in the waiting room until 11:30 and didn't get to see the Dr until about noon. My Doctor likes to talk. And she is a wonderful Doctor! But I have to totally try to keep her on task if I want to get out of there. ever. By the time she gets to us I just want to get out of there as fast as possible because we've already been there way too long!


BTW: Baby Girl did awesome with her shots! She's my little trooper :) She just yelled "No!" at the nurse and then she was over it - she didn't cry at all!! She just enjoyed her sucker and stickers.


I have gotten just about nothing done all week! I can't believe tomorrow is already Friday, it's like this week didn't even happen. Last thing I knew it was Saturday! I just haven't caught a break all week. And next week Tweenie goes back to school. I think I'm going to have a rough transition next week with no help.

The One Where I Break Down... or almost

I had my 6-week postpartum check up last week. In all honesty, this has been the best recovery. Physically I feel fine! The recoveries from the first two were horrendous. Especially last time with the level 4 tear! I won't even go into how awful it was to go to the bathroom about the first 20 times! This time was completely awesome and I felt blessed. After the first couple of days I didn't even have to use the bottle or the spray or any of that stuff that makes going to the bathroom an all day affair.

Everything checked out great except for the blood test to see if I still have diabetes/insulin problems. Yay, I get to go in for another 2-hour glucose tolerance test!

But when she got to the question about postpartum depression... I nearly had a breakdown right there in the examination room. I was just too tired that day to hold it in and pretend like everything was peachy. It was one of those days where I was just coming off two completely miserable crabby baby days and nights. The two days prior he was fussy ALL DAY and I could do nothing. And the two nights prior were his worst colicky fits ever, lasting from just after dinner until almost 11pm. Usually I can get him settled by 9pm at the latest. I had to just let him cry in the bassinet in the bathroom so I could even take a shower before the appointment.

I was totally at my breaking point when I walked into the doctor's office.

I had ppd after birthing my two other children. But I never admitted it to anyone, especially not the doctors. But I never even talked to my husband, mother or sister about it. I just kept it in and it eventually subsided. I was never (and currently am not) at any point where there was any danger in it. And I really doubted that anyone ever noticed. I'm pretty good at covering such things up.

I felt awful and stupid. My doctor asked whether I thought medication or counselling would help. Medication is out for me, I like my brain too much to want any interference, and I just plain don't like taking anything (except prenatal vitamins of course). So I said that maybe counselling would help. Mostly because I just really need someone to talk to who will listen. But the thing is that I have no one to watch the kids, so they would all have to go with. My doctor said that she could find someone who was willing to work that way. She gave me a referral and said that they would contact me to set up an appointment.

I meant to talk to my husband about it, but who really wants to have that conversation? I put it off. But of course he had stopped in at home the other day when they called to make the appointment and I had to fess up. Which started a huge argument. He took it personally, thought that it was somehow about him, some kind of setup to make him look bad. He actually suggested that it was all because he made me quit blogging (I finally gave up my "public, non-anonymous" blog after a huge fight about it two days before Lazy Baby was born - he doesn't know about this one). Ugh.

And then of course he had to say that I wanted all these children. Of course I did. And I don't regret it for a moment. I feel completely blessed to have them. And that's exactly why I don't complain to him about having to do 100% of the parenting and caring for the children. It's why I never ask him to do anything. But likewise he wanted these children, otherwise they wouldn't be here. I shouldn't have to ask for him to pitch in and help once in a while. If he did, maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. I'm totally not selfish, but I do need to have some time for myself.

Regardless, he had a good point about going to counselling. It would be an added stress. I would have to get all 3 little ones ready and out the door by myself and really, how easy will it be for me to talk to someone while trying to wrangle all three of them in an office? It would just add stress. So I cancelled the appointment.

I think I just need to get out and do something. Aside from the fact that it is going to be very difficult and stressful to get all the kids ready and out the door myself, anywhere to go around here is a half an hour drive. Playgroup? 30miles. Store? at least 30miles. Library? very small one 20 miles, bigger one 30 miles. Neighbors? Mennonites, and one family with a mom that works 2 jobs and has 3 kids, all older than mine, plus sounds like she has a busy social life - I talk to her maybe once a few months. Then there are a couple of single male farmers behind us a ways. We live in a town with a population under 100, and most of those less than 100 people are older. Sadly, I've actually considered asking the postmaster which of those old ladies knit so I could call them and have them help me out with some knitting issues I have (but really I haven't even had the time for anything crafty in the past 5 weeks).

My social life since we moved up here has consisted of greetings at the checkouts of Wal-Mart, and the gas station and small butcher shop in the nearest town (pop 200).

I need to find myself some friends. But I don't make friends very well. And I'm really awful at keeping friends. I'm one of those people that forget to email back, and really hate calling people. The only reason I had a social life in high school was because my best friend kept calling me all the time (at first I found it pretty annoying) and dragging my butt out, rarely taking no for an answer and blowing holes into all my planned excuses.

I also need to just suck it up and start talking to my husband. He's not an easy person to talk to. I use to try, but whenever I would start talking about something he would get hung up on something insignificant that I said and get mad about it and quit listening. Certainly we can talk about a lot of things, otherwise we wouldn't still be together. But when it comes to emotional issues or "serious" talk, we have problems. We don't see eye to eye and we never seem to be on the same page. I gave up on that aspect of our relationship a long time ago.

Have I depressed the hell out of you yet? ;) I promise I will post something funny soon. Because we all know that humor/laughter is a good cure for just about anything right?

The One Where I Thought I Was a Pro

So I had this lactation specialist call me like three times before I gave birth to Lazy Baby. Asking if I had any questions, or needed any help. Of course I explained, this is my third baby and I had no problems nursing the other two, so I'm an old pro. She gave me her number. I wrote it down on some scratch piece of paper that probably got thrown away the next day.

I nursed Little Man for about 10-11 months, until he pretty much lost interest. Baby Girl was a tough one to wean, she hung on until about 18 months. With both of them I only used the boppy pillow for a couple of weeks and then everything came smoothly and naturally and I would just nurse wherever whenever doing things all the while. It took little effort or concentration on either side.

So here comes Lazy Baby. He came out of my womb rooting and ready to eat. He tried sucking on the arm of the nurse when she tried measuring him. He latched on instantly and took to nursing like he'd been dreaming about it the whole time. The other two took a couple of days to get the hang of it. So I was completely optimistic. Laughed once again at the lactation specialist.

She called two days after we got home from the hospital to see if I wanted her to come for a home visit. I politely declined. In my head I was thinking some not so polite things.

I totally blame her. A few days later was when we started having issues. All of a sudden he forgets how to latch on. I have awful problems trying to get him to realize it's right there in his mouth. We are getting the positioning all wrong, he is favoring the right breast, he's getting frustrated and I'm getting frustrated. And both of my nipples are absolutely killing me, especially the left one. I would swear I had an infection, but there are no cracks, no red spots, nothing that would indicate an infection other than severe pain.

At his first appointment my doctor asks how the nursing is going "great," I lie. I have the whole troop with me, which includes both tween girls. And the last thing I want to do is talk about any problems with my nipples or nursing while they are listening in. And I wish I would have kept the phone number of the lactation specialist. I'm sure that I could call the hospital and get it, but instead I google things and read things in the books I have. And try all sorts of things that just don't seem to alleviate any of our problems.

When we were leaving the hospital my doctor told the nurses to send me home with some nipple cream. But they forgot, and I was in such a hurry to leave that I knew if I reminded them it would take another half an hour to get out of there. So I just figured I would go buy some. But the first time I went to the store and saw how much it costs for the cream ($10!!) I thought forget it, I bought some before I had Little Man and never even used it. I wasn't about to waste $10. A week later I broke down and forked out the cash, wishing that I would have just reminded the nurse.

Despite all of our nursing problems, Lazy Baby is gaining weight like crazy! So then I start thinking that maybe I'm just overfeeding him? I slacked off one day, and things seemed to go a little better, but still not great. I still have a real problem trying to get him to nurse on the left side, which sucks because that would leave my right hand free for other things (eating for one). I've been pumping that side when he refuses it for a couple of feedings.

I wonder what the lactation specialist will think when I hunt down her number and beg her to come for a visit. I think she was secretly willing that to happen.

Baby Girl is 2!!

It's so hard to believe! Time goes by so fast! It seems like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital!

I have to say that she has been my easiest one in many ways. Of course now she's at that climbing on everything and getting into major trouble stage... and oh she is so mean ;) Yesterday Little Man pinched her fingers in one of his trucks and she yelled "no! no!" and went over and pulled his leg out from under him so he fell! And when she ran off she was totally smiling! She's a little stinker ;)

But really, she was my easiest labor. I slept through all the beginning stages of labor. I woke up around 5am with a really hard contraction and thought I'd better get up and start timing them. As I got my stuff together and jumped in the shower I realized that the contractions were about 2 minutes apart! We had a 30 minute drive to the hospital! Luckily my mother was visiting to watch the kids while I was at the hospital.

We called my husband's sister on the way, remembering what a fiasco my first labor and delivery was, and how it really helped my husband to have my mother there in the delivery room for when he had to go to the bathroom or get something to eat.

When we got to the hospital one of the nurses checked and said I was at 5cm.... and that's when the pain reached that intolerable point. I totally changed my mind about having my husband's sister in the room (I didn't really want to embarrass myself in front of her, and I figured I still had hours to go) so we sent her off to watch the other kids and send my mom back...

We were at the hospital for maybe half an hour when I told my husband to remind me that I was never going to do this again! ;) Two minutes later the doctor got there and said I was at a 10 and to go ahead and start pushing! I looked at my husband and said "I would totally do this again!" She was out in about 2 or 3 pushes. If only they were all that easy :)

She's my little independent sweetie. She's been great that way since she was born. She was rarely fussy as an infant. I can leave her be and she is great at entertaining herself. But she will swing by every now and then to give me a hug or kiss, sit on my lap or bounce up and down on my feet.

It's amazing that two years have already passed. But she will always be my baby girl :) and I think it's going to be a long time before she gets rid of the name "baby sister." Even though Little Man knows her name, he usually only calls her baby sister. Just yesterday at my doctor's appointment someone asked him what her name was and he said "Oh that's Baby Sister."

Happy Birthday Baby Sister!!

The Crying Game

Oh colic, how I did not miss you. What are the odds? The book "What to Expect the First Year" says the odds are 1 in 5. My odds are 2 in 3. My firstborn son (little man) had colic. It comes on with little warning. One night, about 3 weeks after we brought him home, he started having an all out crying/screaming fit. I tried everything, I kept trying to feed him because he kept acting like he was hungry, but any attempts to feed him just brought on more tears and frustration. We walked him, rocked him, swaddled him, patted him, rubbed his belly, everything. That first night my husband and I were both just beside ourselves trying to figure out what our newborn son needed or wanted. We tried everything. He just kept crying. That night finally ended with my husband rocking him and me crying in the bedroom. I just assumed that I was somehow inadequate. That somehow this crying fit was something that I had caused. Maybe I hadn't fed him enough, maybe I fed him too much, maybe I was such a lousy mother that I had no idea what he needed. It was one of the worst feelings. A mother, at the very least, should know how to calm their crying baby right?

Not when it comes to colic. There really is just about nothing you can do to keep your baby from these crying fits. You can try whatever you like, but very little calms the baby for longer than a few minutes. It's completely unnerving. The only thing that gets better is your ability to handle the situation. The first few nights are the worst, because you haven't yet learned to calm yourself down. You're in high anxiety because there is something wrong with your baby that you just can't fix. Of course really there is nothing "wrong" with the baby. Everything I've read says that the crying spells do nothing to harm your baby, nor does whatever causes them. The cause is still pretty speculative. It could be a number of causes, but the most popular opinion seems to be gas, or immature digestive systems... which I tend to agree with, as when the baby is having his crying fits he will scrunch up his legs and sometimes pass gas.

It's exhausting. And it really takes its toll on a person. I'm just glad that I started having babies later in life. I never would have been able to handle a colicky baby in my late teens or early twenties. I could barely handle it when I was 34! And I'm walking a fine line now at almost 40!

To be frankly honest, while I was dealing with colic in my first son, many times I thought how glad I was that I was his mother. If he had been born to someone else, who didn't have the patience and love for him that I had...

Colic is only supposed to last until the baby is about 3 months, but sometimes can last as long as 5. Little Man was colicky until he was about 7 or 8 months old. I just got used to it somehow. And really, after the colic phase had passed, I forgot about it like an old bad memory. Luckily, baby girl didn't have colic. I'm sure if she would have I would have thought twice about having another baby.

When Lazy Baby had his first inconsolable screaming fit a few weeks ago, I just thought that it was because I'd had rubens twice since the previous day - thought the sauerkraut had given him gas. Unfortunately, it was not a one night deal. It's been every night since. It starts a little after dinner time and lasts until about 8 or 9pm. Which is really one of the worst times for me, since it's wind-down and get ready for bed time for Little Man and Baby Girl. I just have to say thank God for Tweenie!! She has been getting the two little ones ready for bed and putting them to bed. And she's actually enjoying doing it. I haven't had to ask her to do it. I don't know what I would do without her. Last night after she put the two little ones to bed she actually organized my food cupboards! I'm going to have to do something special for her. Last night Lazy Baby's crying fit lasted unusually late: it went on until almost 11pm! I spent a good two hours in the bathroom with the water running - which most nights works pretty well (it usually puts him to sleep in about 15-30mins).

I just hope Lazy Baby's colic only lasts the typical 3 months. Until then I'll be spending my evenings walking the porch and in the bathroom running the sink!

How to turn a 6 hour road trip into a 9 hour trip...

Easy - take along 4 kids and a dog! ;) I always say it's an 8 hour trip, but really it would be a 6 hour trip with no kids... but the past few times we had taken that trip to visit family it was more of an 8 hour trip with 3 kids... but this time with the addition of a baby it has become a 9 hour trip! Every additional child seems to add an hour.


The wonderful thing about nursing: portable food!! No packing of bottles, formula and nursery water. No worrying about having enough clean bottles and cleaning bottles on the road and making sure all those bottles get clean for the trip home... (which sucks in a motel room!). But there is one downside to nursing when travelling. You just really can't do it while driving. Which means you have to stop for about 30mins.


All told the trip wasn't too bad! We had no major meltdowns. Again, I offer my praise to the inventor of the portable DVD player!! If it wasn't for that we never would have survived the trip!


It was nice visiting with my family. They were all anxious to see the new baby. Unfortunately we got there just before screamy colic time. So we visited over screaming and crying... And same thing when we went to visit my husband's mom, he screamed the entire time. I felt awful :( At least his mom had come visiting up here just a couple of weeks earlier, before the colic started. At least I had some extra hands to try calming the little guy down, or at least to give my arms a little of a break.


I was a little disappointed in my reunion with friends. Several months ago when plans were being made I was sure to pitch the idea of a cookout, as I was going to have a new baby. The big plans were for a night out on the town, which I knew I just couldn't swing with a newborn. So there were half-assed plans for the cookout, and as the time grew near I was really hoping some of my old friends would show. We started a group on facebook, and there were almost 120 people who joined. Out of those, about 35 said they were coming (some from out of town, and some still living in the town). I think in between the months of planning a lot of people forgot about it. Not me. I was really looking forward to it. I'm a transplant in a rural area with barely any population... my social life at this point consists of stalking facebook and blogs ;) So I counted down the months, weeks, days... and cried my eyes out when my husband tried to cancel the trip because we really couldn't afford it, and totally couldn't afford a motel room (which meant we had to stay with my mom and pack food for the trip, as well as eat at mom's while we were there rather than hitting our fave local restaurants).

Since most people from out of town got in on Friday, they arranged to go out on Friday night as well as Saturday night. The cookout was Saturday afternoon - and as it was the hottest day of the summer (97!) and humid as hell, and probably a lot of people were hungover, only 5 of my friends showed up... it was a little disappointing. It was nice to catch up with the few friends that showed though. One of my good friends showed up just as everyone was leaving. I felt bad, but by that point all my kids were completely drenched, screaming and completely done.

Oh well. The friend that set the date because she was coming though on a business trip said that she will be making that business trip every year, so we can plan another get together next year. Hopefully more people will make it, and next year I will actually be able to go out with them! So now I'll just be counting the months until then ;)

Just How Crazy Am I?!?

Very. We are travelling. Yes, loading up the 4 kids (one of which is a mere 5 weeks old!) and dog and taking an 8 hour road trip. I am completely nuts! But #1: I promised my mom we would visit after the baby was born. She came up to spend a couple of weeks with me while my husband was out of town for work before the baby was born. #2: A bunch of my friends who have met up on facebook are having a reunion this weekend.


I almost cancelled out a couple of times... but I know that #1: my mom will be really upset with me, and #2: I'll regret it if I don't go. Even though I look like hell and will impress no one... I am not quite yet back into my normal pre-pregnancy #3 clothes = I will *never* make it back into my pre-pregnancy #1 clothes = so I will be living in the one nursing shirt that's a little too tight in the middle, but still better than a maternity shirt (or regular xxl shirt) that will show off my bulging belly while nursing.. and can't decide whether I should wear my too tight regular shorts or the large maternity shorts that hopefully won't fall off while I'm chasing the toddlers around.

Anyway, back to the road trip part.

We actually took a 2 hour road trip on Sunday - pretty much just to get out of the house for a while. We even hooked up the dvd player (which worked some major magic on the 9 hour road trip we took quite a few months ago). The dvd player worked a little magic this time. But still in the 4 hour round trip... there were close to 10 meltdowns.... the problem now is that Little Man and Baby Girl are sitting too close to each other. They won't leave each other alone. Or I guess I should say that Baby Girl will not keep her mean little hands off of Little Man, who is the biggest drama queen ever!!

Our road trip was full of "waaaa, baby scratched me! waaaa, baby sister pulled my hair! WAAA, baby sister took my juice!"

I was beating my head on the dashboard.

My husband was totally losing his patience.

I was imagining 8 hours of this. And really thinking of cancelling the trip.

I totally need a minivan. But sadly we are stuck with our gas guzzling SUV, that just doesn't have enough room. We made a huge mistake in that purchase, and it's times like this that I absolutely regret that purchase. Well, I also regret it every time we go to the grocery store and have to squeeze all of the groceries in around all the kids...

I am seriously considering moving the car seats, but that would mean that either Little Man or Baby Girl would have to sit next to Lazy Baby, and I just don't trust either one of them to keep their hands off Lazy Baby. It won't work to put the car seats on the side seats because then we wouldn't be able to get to the car seat in the rear seat... grrr...

Anyway... I just hope the trip is worth it. I know it will be worth it to my family, as they are all very anxious to meet Lazy Baby.

Lazy Crazy Days

A couple of weeks ago I told my husband that I'd read in the latest Parent's magazine that women who had Gestational Diabetes are a certain percentage more prone to post-pardom depression. I said it was funny, because I definitely had it with my first two (while I did not have gestational diabetes), but this time I was feeling pretty good and at least content, and this time I did have gd. He laughed and said that I shouldn't have said anything because I'd end up going off the deep end...

Sometimes I really hate him ;) But seriously, a few days later, Lazy Baby decides he is a colicky baby! Every night for the past week and a half: scream city! And I know it's gas. He has all the signs. It's horrendous. I can't do a thing in the evenings except try to console my inconsolable baby. If you've had a baby with colic, you totally know how that is. I give him gas medice and it seems to help a little. But other than that I have tried everything. The best thing so far seems to be swaddling the heck out of him and walking up and down the porch for 30-45 minutes. But there's been a couple of nights that even that didn't work.

Some days, OK = most days he will be screamy in the morning too. I can't get anything done. My house is a wreck. I keep doing all this laundry, but just haven't had the chance to fold any of it or put it away. It's bad enough living out of clothes baskets with folded clothes in them...

My days start out like this:
















and very quickly end up like this:

All told, I'm not sure I'm having ppd, but I'm probably travelling a little down that path. It's times like this I really wish we lived closer to civilization.

Today I brought out my last torture device: the swing. He hates the bouncy chair. My other two loved it. Maybe it will grow on him. But for now, it doesn't work. The swing is my last resort to restore something resembling sanity to my house. I tried this afternoon, but he wasn't having it. I gave it another try a little later, and it's been working some magic for about 15minutes now... I just hope it lasts long enough to get some dishes done! (but of course you all see where I spent the first 15? what can I say, I need at least 15 minutes of me time!)