Goodbye 2008!

I won't really miss you ;)

No, I won't be that negative. It wasn't all bad. But we did have one rough year in 2008. I'm just glad its over and looking to a fresh start in 2009!

Its quarter till midnight and I'm trying really hard to stay awake. Tweenie is reading book 2 of the Twilight series. We got her the first one for Christmas and she totally devoured it in a day and a half! I'm just thrilled to see her so interested in reading. We went out today and got her the next two books, and she's 3/4 of the way through #2. I'm totally going to have to read them when she's done.

Anyway, that's what we're doing right now. Everyone else is sleeping. It wasn't our traditional New Year's Eve around here. My husband has been sick and its not really been a fun holiday break. Without getting too specific, I just really wish he would go in to the Dr! It could be/get serious. Or it could be nothing to worry about, but I wish he would just go in and find out for sure!! Men are serious babies when it comes to going to the Dr! And I don't know how much to push. We've fought about it several times now and I'm not getting anywhere. If he starts getting worse I'm just going to totally insist that he goes.

Ten minutes left till midnight.

I'm not going to harp on all the negatives of 2008 like I thought I might. I'm just going to try to get past it all and look forward to all we have to look forward to in 2009! :) Of course the best thing being that we will be having a new baby in June! I feel so blessed. And so very fortunate. My worry is under control. Everything is looking good and I'm sooo glad and relieved. Of course I won't be totally worry free and relieved until I deliver a healthy baby. And then I'll have new worries ;) A mother's worrying is never done.

Five minutes left... I better go make some bubbly juice for me and tweenie.

Happy New Year everyone!!

PS: Sorry for being such a bad blog buddy as of late :( I won't be able to sneak any blog visiting in until next week :( I can't wait to catch up with everyone and see how all your holidays went!!

From the North Pole

It's freezing here. No, really it is. Way below freezing. This morning the temp was -25. And that's without the wind chill. It finally warmed up to -10. Feels like a sauna ;)

We got hit with a big snow storm this weekend. Not too bad, maybe 5 or so inches (I may be exaggerating, as I don't remember seeing any numbers). Schools were delayed on Monday. And today with the amazingly cold temps? No delay. I'm sorry, but there are tons of kids around here who have to wait outside for the bus.

And of course my daughter just doesn't realize how freaking cold it is out there. She puts on a scarf, but does not wrap it around her face. Of course she has her coat on, but its not buttoned all the way up... It seems like everyday we are having to explain frostbite to her. This morning, as we had her wait inside for the bus, my husband wrapped her scarf around her face and tied it in the back ;)

I watch her skip off the bus, no hat, no gloves, no scarf and coat completely unbuttoned... "Do you know how cold it is out there?"

And she just gives me that stupid look like I am the most restrictive and lame parent in the world.

Ugh.

Anyway, that's my ramble for today.

And anyone interested in a super sweet giveaway, I'm hosting one on my other blog here. Just do not say that you came from here!

And Christmas gift progress? Finished the last niece hat and 2 nephew hats! Only 4 more to go!

Why Must I Confuse? ;)

Just to clarify a few things and give y'all some more info (as I wrote my last post in about 5 minutes while I let the car warm up to go pick the Mr. up from work) :)

I am currently teaching part time - 1 class at the local community college. I am teaching a business communications type of course, but I am an English person (for whatever reason they like to use English people to teach this course). I will be teaching a composition course next semester. My ideal job would be a full time instructor in English/writing/literature at a community college (this is the only level I am qualified to teach). Of which there is all of 1 within driving distance. There is one about an hour and a half away, but that's just too far - especially during the winter months. Anyway, this community college is very small and its very unlikely that they will be hiring another full time English person... so the job I've been waiting for is an English tutoring job (when I first started teaching this semester the dean told me this person may be leaving). Which I would still be able to teach at least one course a semester, but have a full time position in an academic/education field.

So anyway, its not that I'm in a big hurry to get back to work or anything... I do enjoy being a stay at home mommy. And especially with a new one on the way -due this summer, and have no desire to take a 6 week old to daycare... if this tutoring job had come open it would probably have been one of the only opportunities to come around for a long time. For this reason, I do miss living in a city that had at least 3 community colleges within driving distance...

And really, if I had it to do all over again, I would have made much different choices in my degrees... I would have done either my BA or MA in Secondary English Education and got certification to teach High School or Jr High... That way I could widen my opportunities for teaching. But as it is now, I would essentially have to do another MA degree to be able to teach HS or JrH. So I have one option for teaching. I have considered doing online schooling for a PhD, that way I could teach at the college level, but then again, there are no 4 year colleges within driving distance... so it would almost be pointless.

Honestly, I never imagined myself a stay at home mom. I always planned on working. But then when I had my son, I just wanted to stay home with him. I just couldn't imagine sending him to daycare. He was very needy, and colicky. My husband could barely handle him when I would go to the store or anywhere by myself. I would never in a million years have taken him to an in-home daycare. I just wouldn't have trusted that kind of situation with him. I knew how frustrated I got with him and how much the crying and screaming (from colic) wore on me. But back then my husband had a fellowship from the college he was attending, which would be running out at the end of that year. So one of us had to get a full time job asap.

I ended up getting one first. I got an administrative job at the college that my husband was attending. He had already passed his comps, so he only had a seminar class to attend that was in the evenings. He was also working on his dissertation. He was watching the boy while I worked. Day one he called and said he couldn't handle it and I needed to find a daycare.

It was a very stressful time. And the hubby got the boy on a routine which helped out a little. But he still was having issues and really did not want to be the stay at home parent. I wasn't making a whole lot, so daycare was kind of out of the question. Plus, the only place in town didn't have any part time openings...

Long story short, hubby began his job search asap ;) and ended up finding a full time job up in Northern Wisconsin, where his family is from. And luckily it was making just enough so that I could stay at home. (really the job I had wouldn't have cut it once his fellowship ran out). It was a good thing that he was making enough because the jobs around here are few and far between, even in the service industry. So I've been a stay at home mom ever since. He is now working a different job and makes about $8000 less than he did before. But is a more fulfilling job (and less stressful) and one that he actually went to school for.

But we are totally living paycheck to paycheck. And if it wasn't for my part time teaching income we probably wouldn't be making it. It would be nice to actually have some extra money once in a while. It would be nice to get a full time teaching or tutoring job for that reason. But in reality, the house would be even more neglected, and I just really would rather not send my kids to daycare. I don't want to miss any of their milestones. Anyway, as the job will not be open, I guess the decision has been taken out of my hands anyway. I am glad in a way, but I am also pretty bummed. I can just hope that within a couple of years they will decide to hire another English teacher :)

Good News Bad New Edition

So the good news is that hubby gets a x-mas bonus! Yippee!! :) We weren't expecting it, so its awesome. Its not a lot, but better than the 0 we were expecting!

The bad news is that all semester I've been waiting for this lady to leave her job because I want it! She finally announced that she was leaving a couple of weeks ago and I had been anxiously checking the website daily for the job posting. Hubby found out today that they decided to do away with her position. I'm seriously bummed. While I really love being a stay at home mommy, I plan on going back to work someday. There are seriously limited jobs in my field around here. We talked about it and decided that I should go ahead and apply for it because who knows when another job like that would come up. It was all for naught. I'm so disappointed. Oh well, I guess I wasn't meant to go back to work yet. So I guess I will have enough time for bloggy stuff ;)

Still madly crocheting ;) almost done with that last girl hat - got sidetracked with laundry yesterday, so didn't work on it as much as I'd hoped. And I forgot I have one more niece hat to do - oops. So 7 total left. At least the boy hats will be really quick and easy... ugh.. ;) next year I will be starting so much earlier!

Right Around the Corner

I can't believe how quickly Christmas is closing in on me! In a week and a couple of days we will be making the 4 hour trek once again to pick up my step-daughter for xmas! Time is going by unbelievably fast! And I haven't even started my xmas shopping yet! I think the hubby and I are going to go out on Monday as he has Monday's off. And who wants to go shopping on the weekends so close to xmas?? You couldn't drag me.

The worst thing is that I'm very behind on my xmas crocheting! I usually start in October and still am madly crocheting up till the last minute... but most of the time that's additional gifts that I decide to make... This year I am making hats for all the neices and nephews (we have 20!!). I have one girl hat left to make, and I've only made one boy hat (6 more to go!). Then of course there are 3 additional hats I wanted to make for various other people... but that may not get done this year.

All this is to say that if I'm not around, just know that I'm sitting around crocheting my butt off! ;) Or playing catchup with the dishes and laundry... I'm just finally finishing Sunday's laundry today! At least this Sunday there won't be as many loads! ;)

And also, next week is finals week for the college I'm teaching at. So next week I will probably be grading makeup work like a madwoman! I need to enforce my late work policy! ;) I was slammed with makeup work at mid-terms, and I know I will be slammed again with makeup work on Monday! I'm too much of a pushover. But I really like all my students, and want to see them succeed.

A Christmas Present!!

For me!! My husband actually bought me a Christmas present this year and I am completely dying to know what it is!! He told me the other day that he would need some money on Friday to pay for it!

He hasn't bought me a gift since our first Christmas together. He just will not go anywhere alone, so usually we go out together to get my birthday and x-mas gifts... I usually just pick them out. I think there was one other time when he and the two older girls ran into Target and bought me a CD for my birthday. Of course I think its all pretty lame. I wish he could just go out and pick something out by himself. He says that I wouldn't like whatever he would pick out. He says I'm hard to buy for. But of course to me its the thought that counts. And if he doesn't bother, then its just a cop-out. Lazy :)

Anyway, so I am totally psyched to see what he got for me! He keeps asking if I want to know, and of course I do! But so far he's not telling me. I think he will probably cave before Christmas. I will have to think of something especially thoughtful for him this year now :) And of course I'm pretty much drawing a blank.

Losing My Cool

I hate to admit it, but today I have gone beyond losing my cool.

I spent the whole morning trying to figure out why I keep getting a connection interruption error message while trying to upload photos to blogger or to facebook (and I suspect it would happen on any site at this point).

I finally broke down and fired up the desktop to see if I would have luck there. Nope. Same damn error message. But the thing about using the desktop is that its in the office. Which is right off the living room, but of course I can't keep the kids out while I'm in there. I can't close the door because then I couldn't keep an eye on them. So of course the whole time I'm messing around in there trying to look up info on the problem etc... they are getting into everything. And within 10 minutes little man freaking unplugged the whole thing. Of course then I decided that I just need to put the baby in the playpen and close the door... open it 2 minutes later and little man has demolished a VHS tape... and I cannot get him to stay away from the Christmas tree or the TV... and by that time my laptop was just completely failing to connect to the internet at all. And I was over the edge with frustration.

The really messed up thing is that I told my husband about my photo upload problem a couple of weeks ago. He ran a virus scan and it came up with nothing. So he just said that it was something with my computer and that was it. I know for damn sure that if it was a problem he was having it would have been fixed day one. He would have spent the entire day (uninterrupted) finding the solution for it. But since it had something to do with my blogging, it falls well below his realm of helping. And that really ticks me off. He absolutely hates the fact that I blog. It has to be a jealousy issue or something. Somehow I think that if I had any real life friends he'd have an issue with that too. It just makes me mad (and a little sad) that he can't be supportive of anything I do apart from him.

Anyway, little man has been especially difficult and out of sorts for the past couple of weeks. So everyday my patience has been worked to the bone. I just don't know how to get him to listen and understand. I think he must be acting up for attention. But when I stop and give him some attention it doesn't seem to help. I think he is out of sorts because we have been without our car for a little over 2 weeks now. The kid hates change. And he is acting out a lot like he did when we moved last March. He no longer wants to watch any of his favorite movies, he whines and cries until I take them out. He's been downright obnoxious at the kitchen table for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He has been totally refusing to take naps. And I've had no sanity breaks. So I feel like a complete and total failure at this whole parenting thing - It seems like I've been yelling at him nonstop.

And I totally lost my cool with tweenie last night. I think I'm going to apologize to her when she gets home from school. We were watching a movie and it wasn't going to get over until 10pm. There have been times that we've let her stay up past her bedtime (9pm) to watch a movie, but that's usually only when its a new movie... the one we were watching last night we'd seen a million times. I told her she had to go to bed at 9 - she asked if she could just stay up until 9:10 or 9:15 and I said no. And of course she didn't leave it at that she kept trying to negotiate and argue until finally I lost it and really yelled at her. I felt horrible. But I still made her go to bed at 9. I almost sent her to bed right then (it was maybe quarter till 9) because I saw her say something after I yelled at her and I assumed she was talking back - she said that she had just said she was sorry - which she probably did. It was overkill, I shouldn't have lost my cool and yelled at her like that. But I was completely exhausted, ready for bed myself and was feeling like I was going to barf, and already had my patience run into the ground with the two little ones not wanting to go to sleep.

So anyway, my husband and I had a nice little arguement about that this morning. He said (which I know is true) that I need to work on my relationship with tweenie right now because it will only get worse. She will end up hating me and yelling back at me and maybe getting physical, and she will realize at some point that she doesn't have to listen to me. I just don't know how to start. Its not that we really have a bad relationship - I just end up yelling at her a lot - and mainly because she already doesn't listen to me and at times acts disrespectful. There have been times where I have relaxed with her and what ends up happening is that she takes advantage of it - she starts acting like we're friends and thinking that she can get away with stuff. I need to find a good balance there and I just haven't been able to find it. I know that the whole friend/parent thing does not work. But neither does the opposite end of that spectrum. My husband said that I should give her more responsibilities around the house. But she can barely handle the responsibilties that she already has.

She asks if she can vacuum. I let her vacuum. I ask her to vacuum. She doesn't want to and gives me attitude about it.

She begs to be allowed to change a diaper. I finally let her. She tries to take control of all the diaper changing. A week later says she doesn't want to change anymore diapers...

Sometimes I feel like things would be much better between us if we had adopted her when she was a baby. I feel that she was already kind of programmed in a certain way, and while some things have changed for her, there are others that will never change. She still has eating/food issues that will probably never go away. And she has independence and control issues that really sometimes get in the way of our relationship. One of the things that drives me nuts is that she still has some very infantile behaviors, but yet wants adult responsibilities. She can barely take care of herself, but wants to take care of everybody else.

Today, I am just at a loss all around. I think I'm just going to try to relax. Try letting her do a few more things around the house - like maybe help setting the table, helping load the dishwasher... and see how that goes.

I suppose there's a line there somewhere between a parent and a "peerent" I just need to start looking for it and hopefully I will find it.